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(no subject)
Friday, 2 August 2013 10:19It's looking like I won't be getting that degree after all.
I've been driving, and working, and writing, and having uncomfortable conversations with the therapist. I don't really have the energy to scrutinize things but I want to post something, so have some Skunk Anasie:
This Fucking Week
Saturday, 13 April 2013 13:15Thursday was a depression day. All my energy went into complicated things like getting out of bed, showering, getting dressed and leaving the house for a short while.
Friday was a video game day. I played all day to unwind.
Today is supposed to be a writing day. I have a lot of writing projects languishing and I don't think I'll write much during the week because I have a bunch of schoolwork, too.
I still don't know how well this plan will work.
I thought my text game would be finished by now. At least, the first version. How can I keep forgetting that writing is hard?
Friday was a video game day. I played all day to unwind.
Today is supposed to be a writing day. I have a lot of writing projects languishing and I don't think I'll write much during the week because I have a bunch of schoolwork, too.
I still don't know how well this plan will work.
I thought my text game would be finished by now. At least, the first version. How can I keep forgetting that writing is hard?
Last night I felt like I might have a low grade fever and generally felt pretty sore and exhausted. I cut a cell exercise because I wasn't up to staying in class until 7PM. This morning I felt worse... mildly sore throat, tired and woozy, some undesirable fluids. Not really an opportune time for a mind infection, but I think with some tea and a hot shower I can complete the necessary work that I foolishly put off until today.
Too much other stuff I have let slide, but I'll just have to power through that mess when I'm better.
Sadly today I'm also probably going to have to leave the house to take care of filling a prescription. I really did let too much slide. I mean, I could conceivably let it off until tomorrow morning, but I've already seen what happens when I defer things too much. Tomorrow I could be feeling worse.
Not sure how I feel about this semester. I'm starting to question a lot of decisions. (Earlier this week I felt pretty good, so maybe it's the fever talking.)
Too much other stuff I have let slide, but I'll just have to power through that mess when I'm better.
Sadly today I'm also probably going to have to leave the house to take care of filling a prescription. I really did let too much slide. I mean, I could conceivably let it off until tomorrow morning, but I've already seen what happens when I defer things too much. Tomorrow I could be feeling worse.
Not sure how I feel about this semester. I'm starting to question a lot of decisions. (Earlier this week I felt pretty good, so maybe it's the fever talking.)
When I had my (beautiful, amazing, perfect) bookshelves installed I vowed that I would cleanse my entire apartment of impurities. The means excavating all the archaeological sites where, for years beyond counting, masses of folders, envelopes and indistinct paper goods have accrued like the mucus of my soul. Barnacles of receipts and prescriptions that were never filled. Dismantling the power structures of chaos.
That's what I'm working on this semester break, and it's depressing as fuck. ( Read more... )
Reading my old medical papers is sort of fascinating. I need to figure out how to organize these in an accessible way.
That's what I'm working on this semester break, and it's depressing as fuck. ( Read more... )
Reading my old medical papers is sort of fascinating. I need to figure out how to organize these in an accessible way.
Today I Will Be Good: A Manifesto In Pointlessness
Saturday, 9 February 2013 12:42Today I will be good and sort through all the crap that's been lying around on every table in my house (and some chairs), finding a proper place for each item in my new cabinets.
Today I will be good and catalog all the important letters, papers and bills that I have yet to handle, placing them on my desk to be taken care of first thing Sunday morning.
Today I will be good and review and list in an orderly fashion any of my school-related activities that need to be completed in the next two weeks of semester break, assuring that they will all be done in a timely manner.
Today I will be good and cook myself a wholesome meal using fresh ingredients.
Today I will be good and continue working on one or more of the several writing projects in progress that I already have, with a special emphasis on projects that I have started posting but have not yet finished writing.
...
Today I will lounge in sweatpants and play videogames, and consider that an awesome accomplishment compared to lounging in pajamas and listlessly paging through Tumblr.
Today I will be good and catalog all the important letters, papers and bills that I have yet to handle, placing them on my desk to be taken care of first thing Sunday morning.
Today I will be good and review and list in an orderly fashion any of my school-related activities that need to be completed in the next two weeks of semester break, assuring that they will all be done in a timely manner.
Today I will be good and cook myself a wholesome meal using fresh ingredients.
Today I will be good and continue working on one or more of the several writing projects in progress that I already have, with a special emphasis on projects that I have started posting but have not yet finished writing.
...
Today I will lounge in sweatpants and play videogames, and consider that an awesome accomplishment compared to lounging in pajamas and listlessly paging through Tumblr.
Life Update
Friday, 25 January 2013 21:59Well I was first so busy and then so excited that I forgot to update that I finished all my presentations and now I have a short window to unwind before I have exams and papers to hand in. Today and tomorrow are officially rest days and on Sunday morning it's back to work.
Snow Update
Thursday, 10 January 2013 08:18Today is a snow day and yet I couldn't fall back asleep. It's still coming down outside in big fluffy flakes. I have plenty of work to research and plenty of porn to write, and also I'm probably gonna need an extended afternoon nap. So I figure I'll start with the porn.
To celebrate almost exactly a month of being coffee-free, I rwarded myself with one (1) aromatic, relaxing, utterly delightful mug of coffee. Also doubles as an experiment to see if my brain goes haywire over the weekend.
To celebrate almost exactly a month of being coffee-free, I rwarded myself with one (1) aromatic, relaxing, utterly delightful mug of coffee. Also doubles as an experiment to see if my brain goes haywire over the weekend.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Sunday, 6 January 2013 09:39I have capitulated and placed a shortcut link to a copy of the litany against fear in the top menu bar of my Chrome installation.
Yesterday my parents had a birthday celebration and it went much better (less worse?) than it could have. I am happy about my dad because he was wearing the denim jacket I bought him for his last birthday and I think he's finally starting to do better. It's a small sign, but a good one.
This is the week of the sixth. Next week is the week of the thirteenth, when presentations start happening. The week of the twentieth is the last week of classes. The week of the third is exams. After that everything will look up.
That is not that much longer to hold out, not if I portion it out into manageable sections. Everything is on schedule and everything is being kept up with. There is no need to spend every hour of every day thinking about schoolwork, because everything will get done in a timely manner even if I take a break now and then.
Yesterday my parents had a birthday celebration and it went much better (less worse?) than it could have. I am happy about my dad because he was wearing the denim jacket I bought him for his last birthday and I think he's finally starting to do better. It's a small sign, but a good one.
This is the week of the sixth. Next week is the week of the thirteenth, when presentations start happening. The week of the twentieth is the last week of classes. The week of the third is exams. After that everything will look up.
That is not that much longer to hold out, not if I portion it out into manageable sections. Everything is on schedule and everything is being kept up with. There is no need to spend every hour of every day thinking about schoolwork, because everything will get done in a timely manner even if I take a break now and then.
Bad Student
Thursday, 13 December 2012 07:37No, self. You cannot continue last night's new game "just for a couple of minutes" when it's seven thirty, and you have class at nine.
Timekeeping Goals
Tuesday, 11 December 2012 09:03My goal for the rest of the week is to get all my schoolwork done in advance so that I can have the weekend to unwind guilt-free. Always allowing that one of my classes doesn't pop a last minute exercise on me. One of them already managed to upload an exercise a week in advance, which I would be fine with, if I hadn't just shifted to trying to get my shit worked up in a more timely fashion, and not the day it's due.
Oh well. I knew it would be an adjustment period, you can't unwrite years of bad habits in two weeks. At least some of the errands I'm running are connected to pleasant things, like sending gifts to friends and picking up a package with a cute, sassy t-shirt. Not to mention scheduling time to invent a new recipe. Plus if I'm very, very good I can reward myself by playing hours and hours of Dragon Age on Saturday afternoonwhen Tumblr is dead.
All in all, yay.
Oh well. I knew it would be an adjustment period, you can't unwrite years of bad habits in two weeks. At least some of the errands I'm running are connected to pleasant things, like sending gifts to friends and picking up a package with a cute, sassy t-shirt. Not to mention scheduling time to invent a new recipe. Plus if I'm very, very good I can reward myself by playing hours and hours of Dragon Age on Saturday afternoon
All in all, yay.
I missed my first bioinformatics (computer) lab due to rank stupidity, and now I'm behind. I can catch up of course, and the exercise I'm stuck on isn't due until Sunday, but it still makes me feel down. Today I made a big list of chores but after I got my blood test I was tired and worn out and I gave myself the rest of the afternoon off. Then I sat down to get some school work done. Maybe this semester I'll establish a decent rhythm of work ethic.
I want to do stretches and posture exercises but this lingering cold virus is dragging on me. Family issues are also weighing heavily on my mind, and I haven't met a single one of my writing goals for October. Tomorrow I have a long school day and I really don't know when I'll be able to do any editing, if not right now.
I want to do stretches and posture exercises but this lingering cold virus is dragging on me. Family issues are also weighing heavily on my mind, and I haven't met a single one of my writing goals for October. Tomorrow I have a long school day and I really don't know when I'll be able to do any editing, if not right now.
Hello children, it's time for another "good idea/bad idea"!
Writing a semester-long research project on the neuropsychological aspects of sleep paralysis: good idea, or bad idea?
Groan. I swear this university will drive me to drink.
Writing a semester-long research project on the neuropsychological aspects of sleep paralysis: good idea, or bad idea?
Groan. I swear this university will drive me to drink.
(no subject)
Friday, 31 August 2012 00:45Bright and early Sunday morning I have to start thinking about uni again. A lot.
Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.
Oh well. It was nice while it lasted.
Work vs. Play
Friday, 15 June 2012 09:19Should I allow myself to get subsumed in emotion today, and work on my class assignments tomorrow, or the other way around?
Yes, I am still wading in the miasma of uncontrollable erupting feelings that this spring has decided to land on me. No, I don't know how or why. Yes, I am trying to find a more long-term solution for the matter, but it is hard.
Last night I went out to a "lights show" with my brother, but it was sort of a disaster. I had a big panic attack.
I wish my grades more often reflected my level of interest in the material I learned. Sometimes they do, but not enough. Especially this semester, when I basically loved almost all my classes, but I feel like outside factors got in the way and I won't score very well. Sometimes I feel judged by vague external forces with no name. I guess that's an anxiety thing.
Earlier this week, my knee got fucked up right before pilates. The second half of the week I was kind of a mess and that makes buses and trains complicated because I have to sit diagonally. My knee won't go to ninety degrees when it's pretty badly off. This also triggers the "everyone is silently judging me" reaction.
Video games and comics have decided to be ass this week, and I can't really deal with it but I will feel cowardly if I ignore it. The Lara Croft things especially brings up a lot of crap that I seriously don't know how to process at this juncture. Ugh everyone please stop this forever, haven't we already been through this dance enough times?
Yes, I am still wading in the miasma of uncontrollable erupting feelings that this spring has decided to land on me. No, I don't know how or why. Yes, I am trying to find a more long-term solution for the matter, but it is hard.
Last night I went out to a "lights show" with my brother, but it was sort of a disaster. I had a big panic attack.
I wish my grades more often reflected my level of interest in the material I learned. Sometimes they do, but not enough. Especially this semester, when I basically loved almost all my classes, but I feel like outside factors got in the way and I won't score very well. Sometimes I feel judged by vague external forces with no name. I guess that's an anxiety thing.
Earlier this week, my knee got fucked up right before pilates. The second half of the week I was kind of a mess and that makes buses and trains complicated because I have to sit diagonally. My knee won't go to ninety degrees when it's pretty badly off. This also triggers the "everyone is silently judging me" reaction.
Video games and comics have decided to be ass this week, and I can't really deal with it but I will feel cowardly if I ignore it. The Lara Croft things especially brings up a lot of crap that I seriously don't know how to process at this juncture. Ugh everyone please stop this forever, haven't we already been through this dance enough times?
Life Decisions
Monday, 4 June 2012 13:06Skipping class this morning to sleep in was definitely a good call. I needed those extra hours of sleep, they were unusually restful and the summer afternoons are always so exhausting. If I'd trudged an hour either way for a ninety minute class, I'd be beat and sore, and wouldn't have enough time for a proper nap before driving this afternoon. Instead I ate breakfast and waffled online and now I have an hour to try to focus before lunch.
I've been rereading a WIP fanfic to try and figure out if I still love it enough to carry it through the last five or so chapters. I think it's a go, I just need more focus. I was so devoted to this story last summer, then sometime this winter all my writing energies fizzled. My aspirations as a writer are gonna get a serious tap in the skull if it turns out I can't motivate myself to write during an entire season. But, there's no point worrying about it. I'll just have to take it one day at a time like usual. Maybe I can set aside certain hours in the week for reading and writing.
Today is Monday and there is much to accomplish. This listless desire to sit around and let one minute flow into another without using any of them, is a lie and it needs to be defeated.
I've been rereading a WIP fanfic to try and figure out if I still love it enough to carry it through the last five or so chapters. I think it's a go, I just need more focus. I was so devoted to this story last summer, then sometime this winter all my writing energies fizzled. My aspirations as a writer are gonna get a serious tap in the skull if it turns out I can't motivate myself to write during an entire season. But, there's no point worrying about it. I'll just have to take it one day at a time like usual. Maybe I can set aside certain hours in the week for reading and writing.
Today is Monday and there is much to accomplish. This listless desire to sit around and let one minute flow into another without using any of them, is a lie and it needs to be defeated.
Today Started Well
Monday, 7 May 2012 12:54The morning was good. I woke early, got out of the house on time, the blood test was relatively painless and quick, then I found a coffee shop and indulged myself in a lovely breakfast while reading the morning papers on my laptop. And all was swell in the world. Class was also nice, the subject is interesting and fun to summarize in my notes, even though it's potentially very loaded. Especially now that we're covering social and societal aspects of emotion.
Now, though, my back hurts because of a minor addition of weight to my backpack (my margin of error is so ridiculous), which just got heavier on account of forty pages of cognitive neuroscience -- incidentally, too thick a packet for my little stapler* that I carry around in my pencil case, for just such purposes. Forty plus loose pages of cognitive neuroscience rolling around in my backpack.
Now I have chores to accomplish and although they're not supposed to be especially many or difficult, I still have to figure out a way to occupy myself between now and 5:30 PM, when I see my allergologist. Good news: I'm totally going for the immunotherapy shots, even if it does take three years. I really don't feel like making a round trip home and back again, because that would mean spending a totally unnecessary hour on the lightrail, and that time would be completely wasted. Though it would allow me to lighten my load considerably. Hmm. I may not have much option.
Next I have a bunch of uncomfortable phone calls to make, and I have to take care of some utilities related paperwork that I've been putting off for at least two months. Then the doctor's appointment, and in the evening I have to convince myself to study or something. My VPN connection still doesn't work. Maybe I should just cave and acclimate to doing MATLAB in the computer lab, after class on Tuesday.
* "You're gonna need a bigger stapler," obviously.
Now, though, my back hurts because of a minor addition of weight to my backpack (my margin of error is so ridiculous), which just got heavier on account of forty pages of cognitive neuroscience -- incidentally, too thick a packet for my little stapler* that I carry around in my pencil case, for just such purposes. Forty plus loose pages of cognitive neuroscience rolling around in my backpack.
Now I have chores to accomplish and although they're not supposed to be especially many or difficult, I still have to figure out a way to occupy myself between now and 5:30 PM, when I see my allergologist. Good news: I'm totally going for the immunotherapy shots, even if it does take three years. I really don't feel like making a round trip home and back again, because that would mean spending a totally unnecessary hour on the lightrail, and that time would be completely wasted. Though it would allow me to lighten my load considerably. Hmm. I may not have much option.
Next I have a bunch of uncomfortable phone calls to make, and I have to take care of some utilities related paperwork that I've been putting off for at least two months. Then the doctor's appointment, and in the evening I have to convince myself to study or something. My VPN connection still doesn't work. Maybe I should just cave and acclimate to doing MATLAB in the computer lab, after class on Tuesday.
* "You're gonna need a bigger stapler," obviously.
Oh look, I dropped the ball on something important even though I knew I had to keep an eye on it must be a day that ends in a Y what is my life.
Long story short I have to do a blood test under fast tomorrow morning and even so I don't know if the results will be ready on time for my doctor. Although this happened once before (at least...) and I don't remember him scolding me, so maybe it's just my anxiety speaking and everything will be fine. Maybe I will even make it on time to class at 10:30, without having to grab breakfast and eat it on the bus. Maybe.
Today I have to crack down on an assignment in MATLAB since last week I dropped the ball on getting my VPN connection fixed, and I can't access the license without it.
Long story short I have to do a blood test under fast tomorrow morning and even so I don't know if the results will be ready on time for my doctor. Although this happened once before (at least...) and I don't remember him scolding me, so maybe it's just my anxiety speaking and everything will be fine. Maybe I will even make it on time to class at 10:30, without having to grab breakfast and eat it on the bus. Maybe.
Today I have to crack down on an assignment in MATLAB since last week I dropped the ball on getting my VPN connection fixed, and I can't access the license without it.
Who cares about school...
Sunday, 15 April 2012 10:53The needs must post is a brilliant idea and I've already gotten a bunch of useful responses. :D I only wish I'd managed to help someone else, but that's not yet happened.
I'm back to classes today after Passover. Yesterday I did most of my holiday work, which I had been planning on getting out of the way early HAHAHAHA OF COURSE. Then I ordered pizza for dinner. :D Anyway school's boring I don't want to talk about that. I especially don't want to talk about being forced to buy an amazingly expensive textbook in order to avoid logistical entanglements with the library's awfully strict lending policy. But, I promised myself I'd be good about doing the reading this semester.
I want to write about DAO and strategy, but it looks like I'm running out of time before I have to leave for class, so maybe I should wait so I can make the post as long as I want.
Funny, I got sucked into DAO so fast and so hard, I forgot to write anything about "the Dragon*Con book", the post-apocalyptic novel that I finished reading, finally, on the way back from the Pesach con.
Looks like I have a lot to write about.
I'm back to classes today after Passover. Yesterday I did most of my holiday work, which I had been planning on getting out of the way early HAHAHAHA OF COURSE. Then I ordered pizza for dinner. :D Anyway school's boring I don't want to talk about that. I especially don't want to talk about being forced to buy an amazingly expensive textbook in order to avoid logistical entanglements with the library's awfully strict lending policy. But, I promised myself I'd be good about doing the reading this semester.
I want to write about DAO and strategy, but it looks like I'm running out of time before I have to leave for class, so maybe I should wait so I can make the post as long as I want.
Funny, I got sucked into DAO so fast and so hard, I forgot to write anything about "the Dragon*Con book", the post-apocalyptic novel that I finished reading, finally, on the way back from the Pesach con.
Looks like I have a lot to write about.