Writing is hard.

Thursday, 5 October 2017 11:54
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Writing with chronic and mental illness is doubly hard. Maybe more? It's been a while since I was not either of those things.

I'm anxious about the state of my Yuri Jam game, and that means I have to fight twice as hard against procrastination tendencies, because it's easier to put something off than keep worrying about it. But of course, any time I put something off that just makes it more difficult, and adds a weight of guilt about "slacking" and "laziness" to my problems.

Yesterday I tried to relieve some of the stress by setting aside some time to think about NaNoWriMo. Actually, since the beginning of October for the past week or so, I've been paying more attention as NaNo preparations start gearing up. Found my NaNo forums password. Looked up some of my posts from last year. Scanned some worldbuilding notes. Luckily I had the foresight to organize everything carefully in my Evernote notebooks. I even have access to it on my phone.

Still going with a story about the sister of last year's protagonist (and I've changed her name, now she's called Kitsa). So far don't know a lot more about it, except some character concepts who don't yet have names of their own.
lea_hazel: Angry General Elodie (Genre: Games)
The first week of Yuri Game Jam went relatively well. It's hard to tell at this point how well things will proceed, but I have a team and a solid design and a solid story outline. The biggest challenge (though by no means the only one) will be my inexperience with managing other people. I'm not that great at timetables and such, so figuring out deadlines will have to be a collaborating effort. I expect things to get fairly chaotic at certain points, but I'm hopeful we'll manage through the mess.

I've posted multiple times to Tumblr about my new Discord channel and I'm also aiming to post updates to the jam forums. Might post to Lemma Soft too, if I find the energy to keep up with it all.

Health-wise things are going not great, and there's not much more I can add about that.

Things are work are okay but for various reasons my direct supervisor right now is much more micro-managing than I'm used to.

There's a lot going on but I don't really have the wherewithal to analyze it all.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
This week so far has been a chain of irritants that have put me disproportionately out of shape, more so with each one that came at me. I don't even wanna get into it because I don't want to enshrine that petty shit, which is one major way that I have changed for the better in the last decade. So, go me, I guess.

In better news: if you're at all interested in my game-writing effort check out my idea thread for a Yuri Game Jam entry I am hoping to gear up to this summer/fall.

Life Update

Wednesday, 10 May 2017 11:50
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I was so productive yesterday despite waking up pretty late and having trouble getting the morning going. And a random nap at 5:30 in the afternoon. But today I slept even later? And that leaves me in an awkward place where I'm not really sure how to get the day started. Plus I have an important thing this afternoon which I just realized is in only about four hours. Routine is hard. I only got to sleep at about two thirty last night, for no good reason whatsoever, and didn't even have the good sense to feel guilty about it. And I am beyond behind on my schoolwork.

I have a doctor's appointment, both for general checkup and to try and deal with my assorted medication-related issues. Doctor's business is getting complicated again the past few months and it's been seriously messing with the routine I had so carefully cultivated, it's a mess. At least I'm writing and editing and refining ideas, and I have a pretty good idea of how I want to move forward with my creative stuff even if it requires a level of patience that's preternatural for me. I've had a good long think and I'm considering the idea that I might need to narrow my sights creatively, instead of chasing after everything at once. Basically decide whether to focus on pure prose, text games or visual novels.

And ICYMI I finally wrote up my response to a discussion on last year's NaNoWriMo boards, on nonbinary gender representation in fiction and associated tropes. This blog post took a good long while to complete, and I'm really pretty proud of it.

(no subject)

Wednesday, 22 March 2017 20:24
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Good news, the files off my drive can apparently be salvaged. I got a new external drive and all, since it'll be a while before I'm thinking about a new desktop apparatus.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
A thing that I forgot is that there's a reason I don't usually leave work before four. And that reason is the lovely suburban parents in my neighborhood who show up in their cars by the drove, to pick up their kids from school. And between three and four (...or five) my street is filled with the cheerful sound of Israeli motorist etiquette. Which is nonexistent, by the way.

In other happy news, last week the hard drive on my desktop finally gave out. I didn't lose much, or at least, not much that didn't bear losing. I will have to recreate the timeline for my NaNoRenO project, once my headache has cleared. But mainly I lost a lot of junk. What with the new laptop, though, I can't really justify buying a new desktop. It's expensive, and I've had a lot of large expenses lately. I'm saving basically nothing working part-time, so there's that, also.

There's other news, and it's much more positive, but I'd need to relax my frame of mind a little, to do it justice.

Last Thursday I went out to replace my earphones, and met someone who went to primary school with me. It was beyond weird.

Control

Saturday, 24 December 2016 18:56
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I feel a little more on top of things now since I accomplished some important errands that had been haunting me. I've also started repopulating the blog, which has been mostly dormant since my queue ran out early in NaNoWriMo. And work is going well, too.

My apartment is quite cold so the weather's been getting me down, but from here on in it should be getting lighter every day, and hey, I got my raincoat back from mending just in time. Uni is also going all right, I manage not to panic if I just break things down into manageable pieces. Instead of expecting to accomplish everything in one intense cram session.

Social has been a little off. So often I'm too tired to leave the house when I get home from work, and even on the weekends my overwhelming urge is to huddle under the covers with a hot water bottle. Israeli fandom should organize a meetup, we haven't had one in like a century.

Merry Christmas to all my friends and followers who celebrate Christmas. And Happy Hannukah too, since tonight is first candle.

This has been a life update. I am living. That's the update. Is everyone else living, too?

Life Update

Friday, 11 November 2016 11:33
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
I spent a lot of the past week or so falling apart. November began on a good note as the 1st and 2nd were writing days and the beginning of NaNo, which I was apprehensive about. It started well, though, and I'm broadly pleased with my writing and enjoying the characters, and I think I will want to stick it out to the end which is a good thing (even if I don't know what that end will be).

Read more... )

Run down

Friday, 4 November 2016 11:10
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I'm quite run down and I think getting the vaccination yesterday morning might have done a whammy on me. Went to bed early last night and it helped some. Called the doctor this morning, I have new test results and they look mostly okay.

Working hard to remind myself that eating and sleeping and other things like that are part of my job and help me work better. Also that I live alone and if I don't do it no one will. Now I'm going to rally to make sure I have food in the house for the weekend, also get myself a big bottle of orange juice to make up the difference. Then I think I'll put on sweatpants and listen to the Adventure Zone.

I am doing well on NaNo but I don't think I'll be doing more than the minimum amount of writing today (daily words). Then again sometimes I feel better in the afternoon and I did sleep a lot.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am on top of everything, more or less.

My Level Best

Sunday, 8 May 2016 16:05
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
In two hours I have class. Tomorrow night I also have class, and it's a prep session for the hand-on lab next week. which means I need to have my pre-lab report (and one other piece of homework) ready and printed to put in the instructor's hand. And I need to be early. It will be a fun day. And next week will be a fun week.

Meanwhile: on the advice of my wiritng workshop's coach, I started listening to the "Writing Excuses" podcast on my commute. Today I was listening to an episode about polytheism in fantasy from last year (transcript) and it struck something. Some of the issues around religion and fantasy have been niggling on me for a while, now. The cast links to a tool called the belief system generator. I think I will use today's writing time (or a portion of it, anyway) to test it out.

Right now.

Holidays

Thursday, 21 April 2016 11:01
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Passover was approaching with giant, menacing steps and I didn't even have time to make a post about it before it got here and now it's basically here OMG.

Holidays are stress, everyone knows that. I basically have two modes, 'I have to worry about that' and 'I don't have to worry about that yet'. The problem is, once something gets slotted into the second category, it tends to get stuck and stay there too long, until it bubbles up to 'I have to worry about that RIGHT NOW' or 'it's too late to worry about that'. Which sucks.

My medical chores went poorly so that's another things I have to worry about again. And it's the holidays, which means I have to carry all of my mother's stress in addition to my own. And my apartment is so dirty because I am always too tired to clean.

Now I have to choose to forget everything so that I can spend the rest of the morning writing.

Chill

Saturday, 23 January 2016 17:48
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I slept away the morning, spent the afternoon eating "breakfast" and catching up on TV, and now the early evening is dedicated to talking down my stress levels. There's a lot going on. I'm not very good at dealing with so many things in parallel.

Next week it's supposed to snow in Jerusalem. It's an inconvenient time for me because I need to get to Tel Aviv and back twice this week, and while I do have the option of staying in Tel Aviv that might be... complicated. Also, I have open university assignments due tonight and tomorrow, after having put them off far more than was reasonable -- because there was so much going on.

But hey, the premiere of The 100 was great.

Dust Storms

Tuesday, 19 January 2016 12:23
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
I wonder if it's time, yet, to stop avoiding the clouds of dust that came in with the cold weather yesterday. I've been a bit leery about leaving the house, wondering what can be put off and what can't.

Today I am finding it hard to get started.

Yesterday, at least, I did some translation work. And a laundry. And I think I washed my hair, too? Anyway, today I'm just trying to figure out if I have a headache or I'm just listless.

Currently I am reading One Salt Sea, which is the fifth or sixth October Daye book. There are already about nine or ten out, and I'd like to catch up. Also, mermaids. Hee hee.

Secondary

Monday, 23 November 2015 13:06
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I wrote today, and all else is secondary.

"You have class in four hours and you didn't do the reading."

Secondary.

"Have you eaten today?"

Secondary!

"Are those dirty dishes from last Friday?"

Completely secondary.

"It's the apocalypse! Oh no!"

...secondary.
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
I woke up spontaneously at six thirty today and my mind started racing. A little after seven I gave up and got up, made myself breakfast, turned on the boiler. I still feel kind of crap but I'm ambivalent about going to the doctor. Also ambivalent about my obligations for today. I should be reading and critiquing a story for the workshop, but IDK if I'm up to it.

I am also already on the verge of falling behind on classes. While taking only two classes, one of them bi-weekly. And working from home (not 9+ hours and a commute). I need to catch up on set theory and I need to solve the first home exercise for cell biology. And I am starting (again) to feel as though the things that get in the way of my doing as much as I hope to -- which all seem reasonable, individually! -- are just called "life" and I'd best get back to powering-through mode.

I showered and changed the linen and now I'm wiped. Back to bed it is. At least I have plenty to read?

Check.

Sunday, 25 October 2015 12:16
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Logic homework: check.

Now all I need to do is... everything else.

It's rainy today and I neglected to pick my raincoat up from cleaning last week. An anthology I want to submit to has a deadline at the end of the week. I'm not very comfortable with the timeline. I have to ought to really want to read my [community profile] femslashex gift. And I need to sweep the floor. Especially in the entrance and the corners of the bedroom.

Things are going pretty much okay. And I got an extra hour of sleep for free this morning, because of the clock change.

Broke

Sunday, 13 September 2015 10:21
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
The dust storm broke over the night. Particle count is back to normal (< 100 mcg/m^3) as opposed to the ranges between 300 and as high as 600 of last week. I opened the windows. All of them. The house is going to need a thorough cleaning -- much more thorough than I have the energy for.

And tonight is the new year. Happy new year?
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Yesterday I lost a whole day's worth of chores and writing time, because I woke up with both a migraine and the most appalling neck pain. I keep trying to sleep on my back, which is supposedly much healthier, but the most I seem to manage is sleeping on my side with my legs folded. Today I'm much better overall, but turning my head to the left is still a little chancy.

The Einat award deadline came and went and once again I did not manage to produce a coherent, complete story I could consider entering. Writing in Hebrew has become so difficult. Of course, July was a pretty frenetic month, and August so far not much easier. My Jerusalem apartment for example is not yet fully put together, and I insisted with my family to put off celebrating my birthday by a month because my mind is collapsing under the weight of too many considering.

7KPP the game continues to be a massive time-sink, although I have hit my first snag in the new fandom honeymoon phase. Naturally, this was mostly due to my own issues and projections, and has very little to do with other people's actual behavior. But yet, I have to navigate this feeling of reality seeping into my fluffy pink cotton candy clouds of fangirl euphoria. On the bright side, the Kickstarter and Greenlight campaigns both seem to be doing uncommonly well. And in September the alpha updates ought to start becoming regularly available.

When the alpha first hits I will probably drop off the radar for a day or two. I'm not going to resist this, it seems futile, and as much as I refuse to call myself a gamer I am susceptible to the same psychological traps. I have already fallen down the fanfic rabbit hole after all. This does not, however, seem like a fandom primed for porn. Curiously enough, since there are arranged marriages and virtue considerations and all that celibacy stuff tends to inspire more porn rather than less.

Modesty is a form of kink, after all. Isn't that why Venus always uses one hand to hide herself in all the Renaissance paintings?

My characters beckon. Right now they seem interested in discussing the progression of multiple assassination attempts, and how exactly that is meant to lead to a sexual quasi-romantic relationship. So, that's what I'm going to try writing.

The 100

Friday, 17 April 2015 20:57
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
Look, I'm sick and I have therapy and travel plans and money issues and chores, but I just came in here to say that The 100 is officially now the show I didn't think I deserved. Like, I must have done something right in a past life to have gotten this show.

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lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
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