March 2019

Sunday, 3 March 2019 12:11
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
January and February were both pretty messed up for different reasons. I was hoping to close February on a positive note but that did not turn out well. I have higher hopes for March, albeit tentative. I want to try and put shit back together, and hold onto things, if only by my fingernails. I have a long-term plan, although executing it is difficult, especially when I find myself constantly mired in keeping up with the details of day to day life.

I'm working from home today due to complicated circumstances. It has its upsides, for sure.

Nothing is on fire and I have made a little progress on both writing and work. I really can't ask for much more, at this point.

Sleep.

Friday, 21 December 2018 09:54
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I went to sleep early last night, which was nice because I was tired, sore and cold. Then I woke up at 1am out of nowhere and I was up for at least two hours, maybe three. Went back to sleep eventually and slept until almost 9am. So on the outside it looks like I slept almost two hours but it was actually way, way less.

I'm already significantly less sore than I was even just yesterday, which is timely because I have Pilates at 12. I have got to get on a more regular schedule with that. Missing classes always gets me messed up.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 13 November 2018 18:39
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
So I did the voting thing a second time and it was after a long and aggravating day at work which was after another long day at work... Same song, different verse.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Bonkers day at work. Scheduled the washing machine to finish its cycle at 7PM but got home too tired to do anything but (badly) reheat some leftovers and watch TV on the computer.

So many things I'm behind on, I can't.

(no subject)

Monday, 5 November 2018 20:41
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
It's extremely past my bedtime, but I'm relatively on top of things for a change, and I thought I ought to make a note of that.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Things I did today: voted, wrote 500 words of Turncoat Chronicle, attended a NaNoWriMo kickoff party, proof-read and pre-posted some stuff on the AO3.

Things I did not do: answer extremely important emails, get any laundry done at all, finish my Yuletide letter.

*yawn*

Tuesday, 16 October 2018 20:51
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Due to my "in bed by nine, asleep by ten" policy (which is failing, but nm) I have not yet mustered the time or energy to sign up for Yuletide. Boo.

But today/yesterday Aly (of Azalyne Studios) broke her silence and published a couple of crunchy posts on her Tumblr. I've queued a bunch of responses and I'm having Thoughts.

God, I want week seven so bad. But it's legit much better for me in general if it dawdles for at least another month, to give me time to adjust to my work schedule and stuff.

And maybe, heaven forbid, get my sleep schedule under control.
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I'm entering an adjustment period of unknown length with the new job. I am too tired to write, all the time. I had some hopes for the weekend but other priorities intruded. All I got around to is rereading some WIP stuff and posting a draft on the AO3.

Keeping up with chores and self-care is also work. And of course at the end of the day I only have about two hours of leisure time to myself in the evening, and by then I'm usually too exhausted for anything more challenging than TV.

I need to wash my hair, though.

*sigh*

Saturday, 1 September 2018 18:54
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
August disappeared really fast.

Of course I didn't get half what I planned to do done.

I am trying to focus on the positive but it's really not my forte.

I think I will maybe take a walk and then try to read.

IDEK

Wednesday, 9 May 2018 09:20
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
So sometime last month I committed to starting Pilates again, after several years of not having done it at all, following the closure of the studio where I started and my failure to find a replacement studio. Then I saw that there was one in my neighborhood and it was super close to my place, and I figured I couldn't turn down such a convenient opportunity.

I've been doing it twice a week for the last three weeks or so. Too soon to feel an appreciable difference, but it certainly gave me structure and motivation while unemployed.

This morning I rushed to get dressed and ready because I was supposed to have a morning class (when not employed, I rarely wake up before eight). Then through a series of convolusions I discovered that my initial payment plan expired, and I need to renew it. Which is bizarre? I would expect them to be on my case on the phone before the plan expired? Like, I would have expected to get a call last week saying "your plan only has one more class on it, it's scheduled for Monday, do you wanna renew?" I would have expected them to make it super easy for me.

No such luck. This adds a fourth to the count of phone calls I absolutely need to make today. Classes fill up real fast, especially morning classes. I had better call them first.

ETA: Upon closer examination we discover, to no one's surprise, that the whole thing was my fuck-up to begin with. Which means I missed today's morning Pilates for no good reason and won't have another class until Sunday. I guess on the plus side it will give my abs time to rest? I'd better go and make those other phone calls now, maybe it'll help me feel a little more like a responsible adult.

April Retrospective

Tuesday, 1 May 2018 00:30
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
April is gone, and if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm surprised I managed to do as much as I did with it. I wrote a total of about 21K words this month, including about 7K of Blue Rose. Given I only started the actual first draft in March, and that the total for the first act is around 9K and change, that's not half bad. I had set myself a goal of 15K words for the month of April but that proved unrealistic.

It was a busy month. Holidays ate up time with family things, there was the yearly Pesach convention, things like that always throw off my routine and make it hard to keep a schedule. Then there were family issues and I needed to be very available for that, which also didn't do wonders for my personal morale. Things are calming down a little but that mainly means I have to kick myself into higher gear in terms of fixing my own life up.

May is the month when I start to get my shit together. My shit's been untogether since about December, for reference.

Started Pilates again this month too, and I've been therapizing aggressively. Objectively I'm in a miles better place than I was even a month or two ago, let alone last winter. It's hard to see because work means clarity and clarity means seeing everything that still needs to be done. Laundry, reviews for my blog, money matters, work. Everything. I try not to get overwhelmed.

I am doing well. Just not so well that I don't need to keep reminding myself of it. Not so well that I can feel how well I'm doing without deep qualitative analysis. Just feel an uncomplicated emotion and sit with it for a while. That turns out to be the hardest thing.

(no subject)

Monday, 30 April 2018 17:39
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Today was pretty much a wash.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
This which went wrong:

1. It rained today, I was slightly apprehensive about going out to pick up a heavy computer on my own in the rain. It turned out okay and didn't start storming until after I was safely ensconced at home.

2. I was carrying a computer so I needed a cab. The cab driver gave me the turn-around and I was too tired to argue with him, ended up paying a completely exorbitant price, plus he insisted on regarding the computer as "luggage". I didn't fight him on it.

3. My old screen had a cable that wasn't right for the opening in the back of the computer. Luckily I had a backup cable that does work.

4. I neglected to mention that I definitely want my OS in English and they installed my Windows 10 in Hebrew by default. These days this is much easier to fix, which I am in the process of doing.

5. Plugging in my router in the living room didn't work -- I switched the living room and bedroom earlier this year. I had to get an electrician to fix the socket in the new living room before I could connect the computer to the router. And I had to call the phone company first to figure out what was wrong.

6. Man, digging up the passwords to all my accounts is a pain and a half.

7. I might end up spending the rest of today installing and configuring shit.

8. Almost accidentally skipped lunch.

9. But at the end of this whole long process, I'm gonna have a gaming computer again.

Bad Day

Monday, 26 March 2018 19:13
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I've been sinking into writing lots of fanfic, which is a thing that happens sometimes when I'm going through a rough patch. My peak points of writing fic in three of my last four fandoms corresponded to periods of depression, health problems, crap jobs, low grades, etc.

But this time, this time I was supposed to channel it into writing original fiction. And for a while it was even working. I had developed a cast of characters that I liked, I had clear growth arcs for them all. I had even outlined about two thirds of the plot, in great detail.

Now I'm jammed, and I feel like shit about everything most days. So I'm back to fanfic.

I mean, there's an arc and everything, and fuck knows I have an entire supporting cats outlined in my mind...

But this wasn't the plan.

Yesterday was a bad day and for some reason that meant today was a bad day, too. I had a plan and everything. Maybe I can still muster the energy to, IDK, fold laundry or something. To give myself more of a feeling that I did something today, other than wallowing in self-pity. And washing my hair.

(no subject)

Sunday, 4 February 2018 18:25
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am mentally drained, but I have potentially a plan of action.

I may have overestimated my energy by assuming I would wash the dishes tonight.

Life Update

Wednesday, 24 January 2018 13:23
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Health update: I tried talking to my psych about the lower dosage of Wellbutrin not working. CN for too many MI details )

Today I finally started digging into the Capricious pronouns issue. I read two stories, both of which are pretty fabulous.

With the rest of my day, I'm going to try and push myself to submit some stories to some markets, even if I feel pretty sure that they're not a perfect fit, or they're not very good, or they're sure to be rejected. Rejections actually are kind of uplifting to me. I may have over-internalized that glib line about wallpapering your living room with them.

"The Magician" and "Tomb of the Unknown Soldier" remain unfinished. The "time traveling gay fairies" story remains a complete and utter mess.

Everything is not okay. Everything is not okay but we're alive and we keep moving forward.

(no subject)

Friday, 5 January 2018 11:47
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Anyone want to read my email for me, because I am seriously not up to it.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
There are so many things that I should do and it's a hassle to try and sort through them all and extract the critical ones from the ones that can wait. And every time I try to do so I get more and more tired and dispirited, until I can't help but think about how I can just give up. I've legitimately thought about giving up writing altogether and anyone who knows me knows that's the last thing that I actually want. I'm just at my wits' end and I don't know how long it's going to take me to reset my brain to a setting where it can actually function. Reading books, writing reviews, editing stories, continuing ongoing projects... it all seems beyond me right now.

Not looking for advice. I've been here before. There's literally nothing you can tell me that I haven't already heard.

At least my new bed should be arriving sometime later today.

(no subject)

Monday, 23 October 2017 19:08
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
I won't have a real bed in my apartment before mid-November. Fun times.

Writing is hard.

Thursday, 5 October 2017 11:54
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Writing with chronic and mental illness is doubly hard. Maybe more? It's been a while since I was not either of those things.

I'm anxious about the state of my Yuri Jam game, and that means I have to fight twice as hard against procrastination tendencies, because it's easier to put something off than keep worrying about it. But of course, any time I put something off that just makes it more difficult, and adds a weight of guilt about "slacking" and "laziness" to my problems.

Yesterday I tried to relieve some of the stress by setting aside some time to think about NaNoWriMo. Actually, since the beginning of October for the past week or so, I've been paying more attention as NaNo preparations start gearing up. Found my NaNo forums password. Looked up some of my posts from last year. Scanned some worldbuilding notes. Luckily I had the foresight to organize everything carefully in my Evernote notebooks. I even have access to it on my phone.

Still going with a story about the sister of last year's protagonist (and I've changed her name, now she's called Kitsa). So far don't know a lot more about it, except some character concepts who don't yet have names of their own.

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