(no subject)

Tuesday, 26 February 2019 18:48
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I have Pilates in fifteen minutes and I know that it's important and good for me and all that, but I am fighting a desire to play hookie anyway. Because today, this week, and all the way up starting from last Thursday was... a lot? Shit happened on Thursday and I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it because I still feel like the dumbest person who ever lived. And my brain's most rational response is to huddle under a fluffy blanket, eating mac and cheese and watching Netflix.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am struggling.

Don't comment.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Right now I have the kind of cold that makes everything seem terrible, and like it has always been terrible and always will be terrible. So it's not a good time to ask me about things in general. I am tired and worn down and I have work deadlines and other pressures. I have not touched my game since early December.

The only state in which I'm really comfortable right now is that ephemeral state between sleep and wakefulness that happens when you wake up, but don't have to get out of bed or go back to sleep. And I of course am not getting very much of that right now. When I do, it makes me late for work and then I have to play catch-up with my hours.

I uninstalled Facebook and Twitter from my phone in the hopes of increasing my productivity and maybe doing some light reading in my down time. Instead I'm just out of touch with everyone and I can't remember the last time I finished a book. I have not done my daily pages in two weeks, and every time my phone alarm rings I fight the urge to dash it against the wall.

Recurring Problems

Thursday, 24 May 2018 11:24
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I have a job interview lined up, and another application in the works. It's time, again, for me to turn my mind onto the dilemma of how to write a novel while working full time.

(I do not need advice about how other people do it. I am not other people.)

Blue Rose (tentative title) is at about 13K words. My broad goal is to complete the first act (30-35K words) by my birthday in August. That's assuming I'm still unemployed and writing more or less full-time by then. If I become gainfully employed some time between now and then, that estimate immediately drops by half (at least).

My problem is that I can't 100% rely on either outcome, so I have to plan simultaneously for both (and several others, besides). It's frankly exhausting.

(no subject)

Tuesday, 8 May 2018 10:00
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Best thing I ever learned how to do in therapy: saying "this is not normal".

April Retrospective

Tuesday, 1 May 2018 00:30
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
April is gone, and if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm surprised I managed to do as much as I did with it. I wrote a total of about 21K words this month, including about 7K of Blue Rose. Given I only started the actual first draft in March, and that the total for the first act is around 9K and change, that's not half bad. I had set myself a goal of 15K words for the month of April but that proved unrealistic.

It was a busy month. Holidays ate up time with family things, there was the yearly Pesach convention, things like that always throw off my routine and make it hard to keep a schedule. Then there were family issues and I needed to be very available for that, which also didn't do wonders for my personal morale. Things are calming down a little but that mainly means I have to kick myself into higher gear in terms of fixing my own life up.

May is the month when I start to get my shit together. My shit's been untogether since about December, for reference.

Started Pilates again this month too, and I've been therapizing aggressively. Objectively I'm in a miles better place than I was even a month or two ago, let alone last winter. It's hard to see because work means clarity and clarity means seeing everything that still needs to be done. Laundry, reviews for my blog, money matters, work. Everything. I try not to get overwhelmed.

I am doing well. Just not so well that I don't need to keep reminding myself of it. Not so well that I can feel how well I'm doing without deep qualitative analysis. Just feel an uncomplicated emotion and sit with it for a while. That turns out to be the hardest thing.

(no subject)

Friday, 13 April 2018 10:11
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I've hit the "don't really want to do anything :|" stage of depression. Most of this week I was too busy to have time for that, what with family business and some health stuff to take care of... But it's Friday and I'm finally home in my own apartment and I have the next (almost) two hours perfectly free and clear... and I don't want to do anything.

:|

In other news, next week I'm planning on finally replacing my desktop. I've been without one for just over a year.

Bad Day

Monday, 26 March 2018 19:13
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I've been sinking into writing lots of fanfic, which is a thing that happens sometimes when I'm going through a rough patch. My peak points of writing fic in three of my last four fandoms corresponded to periods of depression, health problems, crap jobs, low grades, etc.

But this time, this time I was supposed to channel it into writing original fiction. And for a while it was even working. I had developed a cast of characters that I liked, I had clear growth arcs for them all. I had even outlined about two thirds of the plot, in great detail.

Now I'm jammed, and I feel like shit about everything most days. So I'm back to fanfic.

I mean, there's an arc and everything, and fuck knows I have an entire supporting cats outlined in my mind...

But this wasn't the plan.

Yesterday was a bad day and for some reason that meant today was a bad day, too. I had a plan and everything. Maybe I can still muster the energy to, IDK, fold laundry or something. To give myself more of a feeling that I did something today, other than wallowing in self-pity. And washing my hair.
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
On the whole, March is getting off to a pretty good start. I'm kind of tired now, otherwise I would elaborate. Not everything is as I would want it to be, and there's a whole lot of work to be done. But my life no longer feels like a crumbling shambles. Which is a nice change.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
The most fanfic that I've written in such a short period of time since my dad's heart surgery.

It's like a depression barometer for me.

Don't be alarmed. Changes are being made and on the whole things are looking up.

(no subject)

Sunday, 4 February 2018 18:25
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am mentally drained, but I have potentially a plan of action.

I may have overestimated my energy by assuming I would wash the dishes tonight.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I did things today. I did things yesterday and on Sunday, although it didn't really feel like it at the time.

I have three pending submissions logged on the Submission Grinder.

And the first magazine to ever publish my work professionally is available for purchase as a paperback. I have my own backer copy of course.

(I will be okay, eventually.)

Life Update

Wednesday, 24 January 2018 13:23
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Health update: I tried talking to my psych about the lower dosage of Wellbutrin not working. CN for too many MI details )

Today I finally started digging into the Capricious pronouns issue. I read two stories, both of which are pretty fabulous.

With the rest of my day, I'm going to try and push myself to submit some stories to some markets, even if I feel pretty sure that they're not a perfect fit, or they're not very good, or they're sure to be rejected. Rejections actually are kind of uplifting to me. I may have over-internalized that glib line about wallpapering your living room with them.

"The Magician" and "Tomb of the Unknown Soldier" remain unfinished. The "time traveling gay fairies" story remains a complete and utter mess.

Everything is not okay. Everything is not okay but we're alive and we keep moving forward.
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
I don't know what is up with me but the year's end is approaching and things seem to be mostly kind of okay. I'm behind on a lot of things as usual. I'm fighting with medical issues as usual. I'm worried about work and about writing. Small measure of progress: I did some reading today. I go through long periods of drought when I can't seem to get any reading done or finish a book for the life of me, so anything that gains me even a little bit of momentum is welcome.

My last attempt to kickstart my reading didn't go great. I went for a fluffy adventure type romance from an author whose work I had enjoyed several times before, but at a certain point the characterization took a turn. I was reading in fits and starts, determined to just finish the book and be done with it, maybe write a quick review to vent my spleen. But a certain plot turn was just more than I could handle and I gave up.

Today I took a longish walk and then a longish nap. I didn't do much of anything else. I did spend some of the day trying to catch up on the fourth season of The Librarians but my internet connection was having none of it. Too much stuttering to buffer properly. And I read [twitter.com profile] smallweed's thread about secondary characters, and wondered about the personal journeys of the supporting cast in my newest project.

Tomorrow is a work day and a new work week. And then the week after that things will start getting real. *shudder*
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
This week so far has been a chain of irritants that have put me disproportionately out of shape, more so with each one that came at me. I don't even wanna get into it because I don't want to enshrine that petty shit, which is one major way that I have changed for the better in the last decade. So, go me, I guess.

In better news: if you're at all interested in my game-writing effort check out my idea thread for a Yuri Game Jam entry I am hoping to gear up to this summer/fall.

Holidays

Sunday, 16 October 2016 11:31
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
This entire month is messing with my head. Individually, I'm looking forward to all sorts of things (and glad for all sorts of things I've already done). Collectively, October needs to die.

(no subject)

Thursday, 12 May 2016 15:11
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
I am not actually happy with that review but today has been one of those days and something needed to happen.

Eh.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015 19:30
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
Still kind of crashed from yesterday, TBH.

Read more... )
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
My daily words analysis claims that I feel "certain" about my writing. I wonder if it's because I worked it out and arrived at a resolution, or whether I cheated and strayed to subjects I feel more confident about.

For the record, Read more... )

Emotions are so unhelpful sometimes.

As a total tangent, I keep looking up synonyms for colors and the word "livid" keeps coming up on wildly different results. I find this more amusing than I probably should. The level of entertainment I can derive from looking through a thesaurus always impresses me.

Days

Monday, 22 September 2014 23:47
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Days keep disappearing from under me. I have to try and look back and count what I did with my hours, where they all went.

I'm cooking a family dinner this week, and next week I have a job interview. Part of me would rather sit here and drink iced coffee and play Sunless Sea or Skyrim all day.

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