a thought.

Wednesday, 27 February 2019 21:50
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
fanfic fandoms are like watching an adult try to color with crayons.

Bad Day

Monday, 26 March 2018 19:13
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I've been sinking into writing lots of fanfic, which is a thing that happens sometimes when I'm going through a rough patch. My peak points of writing fic in three of my last four fandoms corresponded to periods of depression, health problems, crap jobs, low grades, etc.

But this time, this time I was supposed to channel it into writing original fiction. And for a while it was even working. I had developed a cast of characters that I liked, I had clear growth arcs for them all. I had even outlined about two thirds of the plot, in great detail.

Now I'm jammed, and I feel like shit about everything most days. So I'm back to fanfic.

I mean, there's an arc and everything, and fuck knows I have an entire supporting cats outlined in my mind...

But this wasn't the plan.

Yesterday was a bad day and for some reason that meant today was a bad day, too. I had a plan and everything. Maybe I can still muster the energy to, IDK, fold laundry or something. To give myself more of a feeling that I did something today, other than wallowing in self-pity. And washing my hair.

my brain...

Thursday, 22 February 2018 18:00
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Over the last nine days I wrote so much fanfic that I feel like my brain is shutting down.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to properly rest my brain.

(Everything is fine. This is good tired. I have appointments and things and the immediately crisis is over.)

*~*[community profile] purimgifts~*~
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
About six years ago, I spent six or seven months writing an "epic" multi-chapter fanfic anonymously on an LJ prompt meme. I was sunk so deep into it. I was obsessed with it. I was madly in love with it.

I never finished it.

I was writing other stories in the same fandom at the time, the fandom that ate my life (another recurring story for me). I got caught up in other things so that thinking about updating the story had me unbelievably anxious. I spent a long time after (what turned out to be) my final update scheming and guilting myself about how I would eventually finish it. Some time after I ghosted on the fandom altogether, I spent a fair amount of time telling myself that I would clean up what existed of it and post it to my AO3 with a final note saying I was out of the fandom and it would never be complete.

Today yesterday I was going through some outlining guides for writers and trying to take notes about how my different stories fit into the mold or don't. Part of my ongoing attempt to create some sort of writing style for myself that I can apply reliably to writing long-form. I was going to note this fic for its planned resolution (which I never reached, but still had an outline for), and I realized I had completely forgotten its name. For a while I had kept the document I was writing it in on-hand, and in my Dropbox, but my desktop of the time died and the doc is now buried somewhere in my backup drive.

I did finally locate it and add that note. And that fic is still to this day one of my most successful attempts at longfic. Which is rather tragic I suppose. Since then I've ghosted on at least two more major fandoms. And I have made peace with my tendency to leave stories unfinished, although I still try hard not to let it happen.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Yesterday I watched The Force Awakens. This is the Star Wars film that was supposed to wash away the bad taste left over from the prequel trilogy. Between the reviews I've seen and my brother's reaction, it seems to have achieved that quite well. Which means that when you walk into the theater to watch this movie, you know exactly what to expect. And that's a good thing.

Spoilers from here on. Proceed with discretion.

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS - spoiler-filled review )

Crossposted to hazelgold.net.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Yesterday I lost a whole day's worth of chores and writing time, because I woke up with both a migraine and the most appalling neck pain. I keep trying to sleep on my back, which is supposedly much healthier, but the most I seem to manage is sleeping on my side with my legs folded. Today I'm much better overall, but turning my head to the left is still a little chancy.

The Einat award deadline came and went and once again I did not manage to produce a coherent, complete story I could consider entering. Writing in Hebrew has become so difficult. Of course, July was a pretty frenetic month, and August so far not much easier. My Jerusalem apartment for example is not yet fully put together, and I insisted with my family to put off celebrating my birthday by a month because my mind is collapsing under the weight of too many considering.

7KPP the game continues to be a massive time-sink, although I have hit my first snag in the new fandom honeymoon phase. Naturally, this was mostly due to my own issues and projections, and has very little to do with other people's actual behavior. But yet, I have to navigate this feeling of reality seeping into my fluffy pink cotton candy clouds of fangirl euphoria. On the bright side, the Kickstarter and Greenlight campaigns both seem to be doing uncommonly well. And in September the alpha updates ought to start becoming regularly available.

When the alpha first hits I will probably drop off the radar for a day or two. I'm not going to resist this, it seems futile, and as much as I refuse to call myself a gamer I am susceptible to the same psychological traps. I have already fallen down the fanfic rabbit hole after all. This does not, however, seem like a fandom primed for porn. Curiously enough, since there are arranged marriages and virtue considerations and all that celibacy stuff tends to inspire more porn rather than less.

Modesty is a form of kink, after all. Isn't that why Venus always uses one hand to hide herself in all the Renaissance paintings?

My characters beckon. Right now they seem interested in discussing the progression of multiple assassination attempts, and how exactly that is meant to lead to a sexual quasi-romantic relationship. So, that's what I'm going to try writing.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
One of the baffling and endlessly fascinating phenomena in pop culture is how devoted fans can become, not to a show or book, but to the ideology presented within. Even if said ideology is vague or formulaic, to the point where the preoccupation is pretty clearly with the thing in itself (as opposed to its philosophical implications). People list their religion as "Jedi" all the time, and not just as an in-joke. Despite that the Jedi order stands for such ultra-specific ideas (TV Tropes link) as "justice is good and tyranny is bad".

At this point in my fannish life, it's become pretty clear to me that, whatever capacity I might have had as a kid, I can't take this attitude seriously at all. Maybe my approach is just too aggressively Doylist (Fanlore link). I automatically default to thinking, "Why do the creators want so badly for me to believe in this thing?" I can't quite take it at face value. Morally-grey works become hard to stomach... because they're almost never as "grey" as their creators think. Authors are constantly subtly (or unsubtly) nudging their readers towards a certain belief, or conviction, or POV.

It makes certain fandom discussions uncomfortably interesting. And it makes playing RPGs very interesting. Over something like three years in Dragon Age fandom, I have completely failed to become a Fereldan nationalist. And I've developed an outright hostility towards Andraste (the Jean d'Arc/lady Jesus prophet of the game's fictional church). Why? Because I can.

But that's a different issue altogether, I suppose. Whatever game-makers (and show-makers, and writers) expect of their audience usually has very specific cultural undertones. Sadly, these are undertones of which they are overwhelmingly unaware. Mostly they seem to think that the philosophical and cultural underpinnings of their work are universally applicable to the human experience. People who were raised in a Christian secular society seem to have a really hard time with the idea that Jews don't believe in Jesus.

But I don't believe in Jesus. Even if I believed in God, and practiced the religion of my parents and grandparents, I still wouldn't believe in Jesus. And because Jesus and Christianity are beyond pervasive in mass media popular culture... given a chance to do so, I'm going to choose not to believe in space Jesus.

Day Log

Saturday, 21 February 2015 19:20
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Today I spent a lot of time reading in bed, replied to some comments on fic, posted/crossposted some fic, wiped down part of the kitchen counter, swept the living room floor, and wrote my words.

I also watched the first episode(s) of The Librarians, which a friend billed to me as "American Dr. Who, except with less of the stuff you hate (and I love)." That seems mostly accurate. Noah Wyle is aggressively channeling Matt Smith, which I'm okay with. Eccentric white dudes still take front and center, and they have that male-genius-female-caretaker act going on. But then again, they name it explicitly way at the start, which is interesting to me.

One of the fics I posted is one that I wrote over months and angsted over a lot. Also, it will probably be my last Dragon Age fic, at least for a while. Maybe a long while. The fandom cycle continues, but at least the disenchantment didn't culminate in a total disappearing act. In better fandom news, [community profile] purimgifts is going pretty well, if not as prompt and early as I'd've liked.

Some of that dust from sweeping got down my throat. Just means I need to sweep more diligently and not allow it to build up like that.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
All of my writing energy seems to be going towards my daily pages, and when I get it there never seems to be anything that I feel the need to share with the rest of the world. Obviously, if I were writing full-time this would have to change. Then again, I'd also have some structured subjects to talk about.

Reading: I was reading The Summer Prince but I took a short break and lost my momentum. The quality of prose is good and it's stocked with all sorts of good, shiny little ideas, but they can't obscure the fact that the premise of the book is human sacrifice. It's a hard sell, and I'm not sold. Then I started reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and I was pretty enthralled for a while, but Helen's diary is a hard read and I took a break and didn't pick it up again yet I promise nothing. Now I'm reading Late Eclipses (one of the Toby Daye books) and pretty well tearing through it. I read a lot on the weekend, which was nice.

I am also reading ungodly amounts of Skyrim fanfic (how the hell did video game fandom even happen to me?). And I tried digging into the [community profile] femslashex archives from this year but haven't even made a dent.

Writing: Yuletide was going well, and then it stalled. I'm nervous. My piece is coherent, but it's under a thousand words and I fear it's inevitably to be seen as incomplete. How to go about completing it to standard is something I need to stew on. Most of my other fanfic is stalled, but I did make a breakthrough last week with something I've been stuck on for a while. Relationship-type dialogue, and a more complex sort than what I have dealt with mostly up to now. My Collar of the Damned stuff is also stalled. I try not to dwell too hard on how many open WIPs I have. It is depressing.

Of course, the reason for all of this is my current fixation with Skyrim fanfic, of which I have been producing a fairly respectable amount. Anatomy of a fandom infatuation. I actually think about that subject a lot, now.
lea_hazel: Wonder Woman (Genre: Comics)
It's reading Friday, because I was too tired to post anything earlier this week.

I may have forgotten to mention that I started reading Captive Prince. I finished the second volume this week, reading at breakneck speed whenever I wasn't at work or too tired to focus. Now I'm taking a break to read the fourth (final?) Rain Wilds book from Robin Hobb. This series is much patchier and more uneven than anything else I've read by her.

But dragons, right? The main relationship arc in the book is clearly between keeper and dragon, and it's fantastic and fascinating to me. Unlike the human male ~love interests~ which are as terrible as that set of words implies. I dreamed some sort of weird dragon keeper meta last night (or early this morning) but sadly didn't think to fix the details in my mind.

This makes me want to write a dragon A/U, but one that's totally different in the emotional dynamics than what I had been contemplating so far.


Monday, 3 March 2014 14:19
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Time to rethink the structuring of my days, weeks, months (foreseeable future).

Life stuff )

I will need to rethink/reprioritize so many things. This is what I wanted, right?
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
I sniffed around my AO3 stats page and found very few surprises, except that four people subscribed to my fics, and all of them were completed ones. What did entertain me was trying to suss out the hits-to-kudos ratio and where it was lowest. There could be all sorts of causes for a low ratio, but the main contributers are, I think, small fandoms and rarepairs. Also, some fandoms are just more awesome like that (c.f. Cinders).

Naturally, this is not an accurate science, especially since AO3 doesn't generate this stat. I started from the fics with the lowest hit count as the immediate suspects. Hits/Kudos Ratio )

My second-least-hit fic of 2013 has the highest ratio, and the only single digit figure. As I said, I attribute this more to an unusually low hit count due to backdating.

Predictions: Not much will change. )
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I spent a good few hours today separating and consolidating accounts. The aim is to eventually eliminate my dependence on Hotmail altogether, while still keeping a separation between things like Tumblr notifications vs. things like e-mails from my mother. Cats can't be put back in bags or anything, but from now on when I give someone my gmail for a beta or fic exchange or something it'll be tied closely to my fannish identity and not so much to my offline one. Which also allows me to go by Hazel exclusively among non-family English speaker. I like that.

So now I have AO3/tumblr/twitter/gmail/a number of game accounts all linked together. Gmail also provides a totally unnecessary G+ account, but more importantly a YouTube account. Good for sharing playlists.


Friday, 4 October 2013 22:38
lea_hazel: Wonder Woman (Fandom: DC)
I am equal parts terrified that I will get a job and go back to working full-time soon, and horrified that I might not get a job for a long time and spend weeks or months at home free to write fic and watch TV. If I get to used to staying at home I don't know how I'll stay motivated in the depressing race to find a job, but I know that no matter how much I might miss all this free time, if I stay unemployed for too long I'll start going bonkers. (That's a technical medical term.)

I could easily fill this time, for weeks or months on end. That's probably the worst part of this situation, how trivially easy it would be to give up and let it go on indefinitely.


Monday, 2 September 2013 16:23
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
I just keep looking lovingly at my bingo card and its incredible options, and then totally blanking on what fandoms I'm even in.

Right now I'm planning on an ordinary bingo line, so I need five fandoms if I want maximum diversity, or else four fandoms and one fandomless thing. I'm also examining the possibility of doing one fanmix amidst all the fic. There are a lot of fandoms I've never written for that I want to dip my toes into, and also some fandoms that I wrote for, but not very consistently. Then there's the option of doing a meta entry, which for some reason is less intimidating to me than fic. Curious.

Possibly non-main fandoms to try: Cinders, Welcome to Night Vale, Orphan Black, Legend of Korra, Firefly (???), Order of the Stick (!!!), Gunnerkrigg Court. I will probably come up with more and edit them in later.

Comfort :)

Monday, 12 August 2013 13:33
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
In this time of great stress and confusion, I draw a lot of comfort from reading kink_bingo rules posts.

The dermatologist said he can't confirm psoriasis, though I am unsure of what practical implications this has. On a less cheerful note, I almost certainly have a cavity. Next on the agenda is a big dental x-ray... along with a zillion other chores I can't seem to keep track of.

Mostly I just want to blog forever, as though that would somehow magically force my thoughts into order. As though the chaos isn't a quality that is inherent to my life in particular and more generally to the human condition. At least I hope it is, otherwise I have been cheating no one but myself.

Self-teaching has become more difficult since my concentration is all over the place. I used to be so much better than this. Hard to motivate myself when all I really what is... to slink back into bed? To put everything out of my mind? Not to think?

Tonight I see the psychiatrist. A late appointment. I am crossing all the appendages.
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
These days I go by Hazel most of the time.

About me )

When I post something long, or something that I think most people won't want to read, I courtesy-cut it. This is Law in my journal, because I post about such eclectic subjects.

About fandoms and tags )

Links for me )
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
Friending meme! To be clear, I love the pants off Tumblr, I have nothing against it and I've been having a hell of a time, there. But, I would like to enrich my DW circle so that I can use Tumblr as it is best used and post my long, elaborate (and possibly controversial) metas to a journal setting, where they work best.

ETA: My comment for the curious.
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
There's nothing quite like the disappointment one feels when a perfectly acceptable porn fic takes a plunge and starts casting about misogynistic slurs.

Now I have a sad. ;_;

(no subject)

Sunday, 19 August 2012 09:56
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Hey, [personal profile] sargraf, I owe you a Dragon Age post. Bug me sometime this week so I don't forget to write it.

I'd do it now, but I'm on five hours of sleep and I need a nap.


lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)

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