(no subject)

Tuesday, 26 February 2019 18:48
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I have Pilates in fifteen minutes and I know that it's important and good for me and all that, but I am fighting a desire to play hookie anyway. Because today, this week, and all the way up starting from last Thursday was... a lot? Shit happened on Thursday and I'm not sure I'm ready to write about it because I still feel like the dumbest person who ever lived. And my brain's most rational response is to huddle under a fluffy blanket, eating mac and cheese and watching Netflix.

fuck.

Thursday, 21 February 2019 23:19
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I fucked up both my vacation plans and my writing plans pretty badly, but it's too late and I'm too tired to take care of it properly right now. a decent night's sleep and a hot shower will put me in a better frame of mind to handle whatever needs handling.
lea_hazel: Angry General Elodie (Genre: Games)
I could have spent tonight writing or reading, but instead I spent three hours making a tower and dungeon in The Sims 4.

Sleep is for the weak?

Aha! I knew it!

Saturday, 18 August 2018 23:28
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
~Hazel Goes Off The Rails~

I knew I had compiled at some point a list of first lines from my stories. I was almost sure that I'd posted it to DW. I had a nagging suspicion that I might have locked the post.

Because I wanted to read it conveniently on my phone. But for technical reasons, logging into DW on my phone is complex.

But it nagged at my and my brain was buzzing even though I should be trying to sleep. So I went and fetched my laptop and achieved both things. First, finding the post in question. Second, accessing DW on my phone. Third, brushing my teeth? I think I forgot to do that before.

Fuck, my sleep patterns are way out of whack.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I use 750words.com to foster good daily writing habits, and have been having mixed success with it since 2015. Recently I've been on a 90+ day streak, fostered in part by my frantic work on Turncoat Chronicle. Today I quickly went back and checked when I broke my last streak. It was in late April. I checked the days before and after and found that I'd been having a productive time of it, plugging away at Blue Rose (my other main WIP, which has been in the works since December). So I tried checking here on DW, even though my update schedule here is sparse and totally unpredictable, to see what happened to break my streak. I discovered that the last week of April was when I picked up the new desktop... and suddenly recalled that the day I skipped (which also broke a super long streak) was a Saturday, and that was the day I spent all day playing The Sims 4, after having spent an entire Thursday setting up the computer to my liking.

So, in a way, my habits are incredibly consistent over the years.

Somewhat relatedly, the writing is mostly going well and I am trying to make the best possible use of the free time that I have left before I start the new job.

And later today is Jerusalem Pride, which I promised myself I'd attend despite sketchy weather conditions.

(no subject)

Friday, 13 April 2018 10:11
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I've hit the "don't really want to do anything :|" stage of depression. Most of this week I was too busy to have time for that, what with family business and some health stuff to take care of... But it's Friday and I'm finally home in my own apartment and I have the next (almost) two hours perfectly free and clear... and I don't want to do anything.

:|

In other news, next week I'm planning on finally replacing my desktop. I've been without one for just over a year.
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
Holy shit.

I discovered two things today:

1. an old website that I used years ago to store unfinished kmeme fills that I didn't want lying around on my harddrive, has gone completely defunct and vanished from the face of the internet. yes, that website did still have some drafts of mine stored (attached to an email account similarly defunct, which I stopped properly using years ago). it's mostly okay, because the stuff that I really wanted to keep is still somewhere in my GMail drafts. I only really lost one document that I feel bad about not having, and it's no huge tragedy.

2. a quick search through my gmail account revealed two documents of unfinished stories relating to that very lost document. this is for an OC that I've been thinking about a lot lately, for some reason, and have developed a sudden weird nostalgia for. there's for sure no audience for it and I don't see that I would ever complete these stories, but it's extremely interesting to reread something that I wrote two or more year ago -- and totally forgot about.

life, man.
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Writing has always been a central part of my life and even my identity, even when I didn't practice it regularly. It's been a background goal for me to become a writer even though all the other ambitions that I've had and discarded. Eventually I had to make a hard decision and I decided to pursue writing as a profession and career, not a hobby. I still have a day job, obviously. And I still hobby write (fanfiction, and other things). But the goal is to write professionally.

Writing is a frequently frustrating occupation. It's hard work, and it's work that's often undervalued, sometimes even as it's in demand. As most fanfic writers have noticed. Still I've had some amazing writerly moments in my life, outside of the aspiration to go pro and alongside some bitter disappointments (in myself and in others). I wanted to write a lot about those, since one of them happened just recently and since I could always use a morale boost to my creativity.

Read more... )

*glances up* What the fuck am I even talking about, who can even tell.

(actual playlist I was listening to when I was writing this.)
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
About six years ago, I spent six or seven months writing an "epic" multi-chapter fanfic anonymously on an LJ prompt meme. I was sunk so deep into it. I was obsessed with it. I was madly in love with it.

I never finished it.

I was writing other stories in the same fandom at the time, the fandom that ate my life (another recurring story for me). I got caught up in other things so that thinking about updating the story had me unbelievably anxious. I spent a long time after (what turned out to be) my final update scheming and guilting myself about how I would eventually finish it. Some time after I ghosted on the fandom altogether, I spent a fair amount of time telling myself that I would clean up what existed of it and post it to my AO3 with a final note saying I was out of the fandom and it would never be complete.

Today yesterday I was going through some outlining guides for writers and trying to take notes about how my different stories fit into the mold or don't. Part of my ongoing attempt to create some sort of writing style for myself that I can apply reliably to writing long-form. I was going to note this fic for its planned resolution (which I never reached, but still had an outline for), and I realized I had completely forgotten its name. For a while I had kept the document I was writing it in on-hand, and in my Dropbox, but my desktop of the time died and the doc is now buried somewhere in my backup drive.

I did finally locate it and add that note. And that fic is still to this day one of my most successful attempts at longfic. Which is rather tragic I suppose. Since then I've ghosted on at least two more major fandoms. And I have made peace with my tendency to leave stories unfinished, although I still try hard not to let it happen.

Writing Life

Sunday, 7 June 2015 18:31
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
I started drafting a meta post on the metaphysics of a story I have(n't) been working on for a while. Then I saved it to my essay folder and set it aside. I'm not sure how to draw it out towards a natural conclusion.

Meanwhile [community profile] jukebox_fest went live (archive here) which is the cue for me to see comment and kudos emails in my inbox and be torn between being deliriously happy like a puppy rolling around in mud, versus gnashing my teeth and mumbling, 'oh no they're reading it oh god why'. On a side-note I also became obsessed with listening to Skeleton Key over and over, via JBF I'm pretty sure, although it doesn't appear on the signup summary right now.

Later this week I'll make a post about my TBR list and specifically some recent spec fic offerings I've just added to the teetering top. I wish I could think of a book I'd recently read to review, but my problem is my attention span for reading has suffered immensely the last few years. Now I am scheduling long stretches of reading time as part of my writing agenda.

Saturday Mornings

Saturday, 23 May 2015 11:40
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I made a very firm rule yesterday that I am not allowed to spend all of today -- all of the holiday weekend -- waffling on Tumblr and playing games and watching TV and generally wasting time. By the end of the month I'm (probably) going to be unemployed, and I have writing commitments that I'd just as soon rather not put off to the last possible moment (like I normally do). And I want to write, I swear I do!

...It's just so hard to get started doing anything. Especially when I don't even want to put on pants.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am trying to calibrate my expectations. When one wakes up in the morning and feels more than the usual reluctance to get out of bed, or is much colder than the weather justifies, or one is sitting and eating breakfast and feels like sinking into the chair with heaviness... This is the kind of fatigue that I usually associate with mild infections. My GP is out today. Probably the wise thing would be to phone my boss and explain that I am ill. (I have worked there for two months plus and have taken one sick day previously).

I probably can drag myself up and into some clothes, stuff myself with cold pills and power through nine hours of work. I hardly ever get measurable fevers, so heaven knows I've done it before when I've had little choice. But then yesterday a number of people asked me whether I was ill again due to my constant sniffling ('not again, still') and so many I have an excuse?

Far from being able to make a sensible, fact-oriented decision, I feel like it's actually the 'missing work' guilt warring with the 'not taking care of your health' guilt. But then the system, when I look into it, is set up for 'powering through small illnesses' pretty explicitly. I do this so much I hardly notice the small stuff? I blow my nose or pop a pill and move on with my life, much the same as if it was an allergy attack. It's only when I get this dragging feeling or something similar that I wonder, 'how will I make it to the bus? from the bus? back home again?'

Burning Questions

Wednesday, 22 October 2014 12:30
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Of course, the most burning questions on my end are 1) Is someone going to vid Zero Motivation? and 2) If so, are they going to do it to every song that came out in the nineties omgf adjsfldg.

I mean. Is it just me or is this a hugely nineties kids movie. I know it's not just me. Right? Right?

I'm sorry I'm not sorry but this movie does things to my brain. I mean. It's a movie about the army that's not only relevant to my experiences but aggressively so. I MEAN.

I cannot with this movie. I. can. not.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
So it's Friday. And Fridays are weird days. Weirder still when unemployed, because I don't have a work week to set the tone. For example, today I woke late, only did a minimal shopping, did no house chores and barely left the house. Whereas when working I would do a big grocery shopping on Friday morning-ish, or else at least try to clean, or run a laundry. And in the afternoon I would take advantage of the weekend atmosphere to take a walk down one of the more interesting streets. Maybe do some shopping chores, maybe not. Maybe sit in a cafe.

The lack of employment makes it hard to delineate the weekend.

I have a draft saved of a meta post I'm working on regarding using the setting of a story as an independent character. I need to do more research, though, and I may delve into TV Tropes to help me recall some good examples. I am a great fan of treating places and objects like personality-holding characters with motivation and volition. I feel it adds something to stories that nothing else does. I find myself returning to this trope a lot.

Kippur

Sunday, 5 October 2014 12:57
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
Yet another Yom Kippur has passed, and I have failed to contemplate my existence any more deeply than usual. Meh.

I guess blog entries are a way of building up towards the aspiration to more difficult writing later on. I did write four days in a row and so I feel pretty good about my chances today. Which is hopeful, because I have a [community profile] femslashex assignment to complete. One which I have only barely started despite having a good idea and a decent outline.

Daily words on 750words.com are progressing pretty handily. I write about all sorts of nonsense. I swear a lot. I plan stories and daily activities. The textual analysis is pretty entertaining.

If the guy from that one job doesn't call me before the day is out I will feel extremely put upon. I can't sustain this unemployment state much longer. Especially not with Skyrim installed on my computer *le sign*.

At least Skyrim is providing a valuable distraction from certain other fandoms.
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
I have already broken every rule I ever set myself for being unemployed. Stayed up late playing Sunless Sea (killed another captain, too), put off sending out my CV, woke up at eleven this morning. I had planned to kick myself in the pants and take advantage of the morning to do grocery shopping and cleaning. At least yesterday I cooked and ate legitimate food, and also did a laundry. Although in fairness I had little choice, given the size of the laundry pile I brought back from Pittsburgh.

Yup.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014 19:30
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
So the alarm sounded while I was walking home from the bus station and I didn't hear it because I was listening to Yehudit Ravitz. When I walked in all my neighbors were in the stairwell giving me weird looks.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
My move has been delayed by a tenant-renter domino effect. I'm not sure what my feelings on this are. I'm uncertain of a lot of my feelings right now. I got a book about cognitive behavioral therapy and have been reading it in careful increments, but I think that might have been optimistic.

Just a bit ago I felt like I had a lot to say.

I've been picking at the first world SF anthology. Short stories are hard for me to engage with, but I enjoyed several of the ones I read. I think I'll try to dedicate a post to the book, later on. I've also been replaying Cinders now that it's on Steam and getting a sceond wind, and playing the hell out of Heroine's Quest.

Dumbing of Age has been ratcheting up the drama something fierce. Two of my favorite female characters are coming into crisis over their angsty backstories at the same time, and somehow they've come into a collision course, too.

The [community profile] trope_bingo deadline is coming up fast, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll likely fail this one as well. I'm not distressed as such over work taking time away from my hobbies, because duh, reality. I think I was just clinging a little to the idea of making a checkbox-shaped space in my brain and labeling it "trope bingo", mostly because of my own issues with procrastination and completing projects.

There was conflict at the office this week that distressed me. It wasn't aimed at me, or even between employees, but it was just very uncomfortable for a while.

Oh! As part of not having the energy to do anything fun, I've spent most of the week with pizza and Person of Interest season three. Yes, I'm up to that part. Super impressed by the fact that it's not only a fridging, but a conduit fridging. Like, the whole thing is set up not only for the edification and suffering of the male characters, but to tear them apart and consequently bring them back together, closer than ever. At least, that's my take on it.

Anyway, I'd best wrap up this patchwork quilt of an entry before I think of something else, and then another after that.
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Steeping myself in creative pursuits is very satisfying and makes my days feel empty. I'm a little anxious about getting too comfortable being unemployed. I do have some avenues to pursue on that front, but the uncertainty is starting to unnerve me. Right now having all this free time is pretty nice, but in the long run I'm going to pay for it.

Probably what will happen is that I will start looking for QA work in Jerusalem (which I am technically overqualified for, but). I'm pretty optimistic about the work itself, because I think going down a step in the hierarchy may end up having various advantages. The trick is to leverage myself, and initiating action is always difficult for me.

On a brighter note, I got a [community profile] trope_bingo card, so now I'm working on two cards simultaneously. #lifestylechoices

Rainy Day

Thursday, 5 December 2013 18:39
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
This morning when I woke up I looked out the window and saw that it was cold and rainy. It seemed like a good idea to hole up inside where it's warm and do a little work, some reading, and maybe a little writing. After all I have about a million writing projects and I'm never gonna have free time like this when I'm gainfully employed. Yet somehow the notorious poor weather malaise started creeping in and now I'm just of... full of emotions. Bluh.

On the plus side I worked on getting my virtual machine up and trying to sync it with my local folders so that I can use a GUI text editor. On the minus, I've gotten to the point where I have no idea what I'm doing. Wrestling with this sort of thing is exactly the kind of practice I need, but it's frustrating to do with no team. Most programmers lean on a certain knowledge of the operating system and command line, in which I'm severely lacking. Command line is very nerve-wracking.

But in news of clearly equal importance, I finally have a wildclaw on Flight Rising.

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