Laughter Through Tears

I did a lot today. At least it feels that way, and I cling to that feeling whether or not it reflects achievement because I so often lack it. Tomorrow I'm meeting someone from the open university to review my options. Once I know what my options are it'll be easier to draw up a long-term plan. I don't want to give up on a degree if there's a way to salvage it, but on the other hand I don't want to be bull-headed.

In other news, I cannot find a pair of boot cut jeans in my size anywhere.

Uni tried to give me a panic attack by writing the wrong course title on the test paper, thus making me think I might have signed up for the wrong class and would end up not qualifying for a BSc.

I signed up for the right class. And I took the right test. And I'm pretty sure I passed. And Tumblr is blocked on this browser until 5 PM so I'm crawling into bed with my tablet.

I spent the morning doing an assignment that should have taken an hour and change.

Whatever. What's done is done.

There are days when you get up in the morning and all you want to do is crawl back into bed. Ordinarily I would cut myself a little slack in a situation like this, but I have a looming deadline and my project is shit. The thing is, I can't even really tell if I'm tired or depressed.

Fuck my life, fuck this semester, and fuck me for not planning my projects better or taking on fewer classes. Or getting fucking ritalin three years ago.

It's fucking June now, are you getting this? How is it fucking June?

I keep having to send e-mails and talk to people and just generally communicate like an adult.

And there's no magic bullet, which I knew, but was trying not to think about.

Ugh, whatever. For better or worse it will all be over soon. Past a certain point, the petty things stop mattering and you need to just brush them out of your mind. I just wish that wasn't so hard to remember.

Motherfuck, my schedule.

And all I want is to take a damn nap.

Turns out my course load next semester isn't as light as I remembered making it. Boo. No wonder I avoided looking at my schedule for so long. I must have been subconsciously dreading the realization or something.

Maybe I'll drown my sorrows in wicked princesses or something.

The weather tomorrow is expected to get about as cold as it can possibly get round these parts. Yesterday and today I got mired in eating the foods, snuggling in fleecy things, and camping between two space heaters. I did not get nearly enough work done, especially considering I have two presentations due next week, neither of them finished.

Then I went and committed myself to writing some porn by the end of the week. Because, duh, I already have a bunch of unfinished fics and there's nothing more natural than piling on even more. And porn to boot, which I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be unselfconscious about.

Today I gave myself the morning off, semi-accidentally. Yesterday I did less work than I'd intended, in part because I had less work, and in part because I couldn't be assed to divert those hours to some other project that needed them. I have three papers due this month, it's not like there's ever "nothing to do", y'know?

Right now the impending crisis is if I run out of fucks to give before the semester ends. That's pretty much how it's gone down in previous years.

The worst of it is that one of my classes just assigned a one-page assignment to be done in fours. As if working in pairs wasn't enough of an ongoing nightmare, we have to write a damn research proposal in fours. How exactly that's going to work, I have no idea.

I've been struggling with my assignments in evolution. For some reason, though, I can never successfully translate my knowledge of this difficulty into paying sufficient attention in class. I've lapsed into the kind of absurd trickery I used in year 1 during physics classes: snoozing and then frantically googling for formulas that I don't really understand. Predicting that the exam for this course will be fairly painful.

The consequence of taking Saturday (and most of Friday) off is that I started the week with a disorganized schedule. Tomorrow morning the first thing I'm doing is fixing that and plotting out the rest of the week in exacting detail.

In other news, as every right-thinking person could tell me, going off coffee cold-turkey style was a ludicrously ill-advised proposition. I ought to have done some research first, and then I would have gradually decreased my consumption and avoided all this headache. I stand by the fact that quitting is a good idea, though. Once I have some hard data, I will be better able to assess whether one cup a morning is fine, or if I should cut it down to once-twice a week. Meanwhile I'm relearning to appreciate cocoa from powder, herbal teas, and on Saturday night I drank hot cider.

I want to end on a fun note, so: I have yet to win Briony's heart on LLTQ, despite my best efforts. However, so as not to burn out on the game to quickly, I resolve not to play at all tonight.