Laughter Through Tears

My T4 is hecked, no wonder I'm so tired.

No real news these days, which is why I haven't been updating much. I keep plugging away at my WIPs and trying to stay afloat in general. Worried about Omicron, like everyone.

For some reason, I decided to click on the Facebook notification for memories from this day. Many of them were from Pride events. Like 2015 Pride, which was the year when ( suffice to say it was a bad year ) So that was fun to remember.

Maybe I should just go to bed.

Not long after quarantine started, I decided that since I wasn't leaving the house more than once a week, and had no appointments or anything like that, it was pointless to force myself to wake up on a schedule more similar to regular work days. I shifted pretty quickly to a 2am-10am sleep schedule, changed the settings on all my productivity apps and so forth, and was doing pretty well. I mean, I had a few sleepless nights and a few mornings where I had a hard time getting out of bed, but nothing like the daily unremitting grind of convincing myself that I want and need to be awake.

This week, as quarantine begins to ease in Israel, I'm starting to get back to all the things I put off when the shit hit the fan. Mainly medical appointments and tests. The tests require making it to the blood lab in the morning, and some of them require being there quite early. So this week I have been trying to start shifting my sleep schedule back to the 12am-8am that it aspirationally was before. Gradually, so that next week I could be able to be up at 7am one morning without feeling too much like a zombie.

It's only been a few days, and a lot of confounding factors have interfered, but I feel like a wrung rag. Enough that I'm wondering what sort of impact it would have if I tried shifting my schedule forward again, but this time permanently.

I mean, I know it would give me issues in the summer, when it's so hot that leaving the house after 9am is physically painful. And I know it would affect me in the winter, if I just gave up on several hours of daylight and started feeling how short the days are. But the feeling of being well-rested, it's not something common enough for me that I can take it lightly. I have to at least consider it.

The mood this week is to constantly remind myself that ( cut for medical stuff )

Why I keep needing to remind myself of this is a question for another, less tired time.

Last night I had the most appalling migraine. Started at the library as I was trying to motivate myself to get some light writing done. Got steadily worse while I knocked out some basic errands and chores. Ended up going to bed early, feeling too ill to even take my meds, and had a very disrupted night of sleep.

Still no writing, either.

I'm considering holing up at my parents' house today in the hopes that it makes a better writing environment. Sometimes just getting up and changing locations helps, and I don't want to spend too much time in coffee shops. Not least because the service in my local ones is pretty fucking bad.

I have so many errands to run this week. I hope I can get my bedroom fixed up and also get some fresh food and such in the house. I desperately need to start taking better care of myself.

I went to sleep early last night, which was nice because I was tired, sore and cold. Then I woke up at 1am out of nowhere and I was up for at least two hours, maybe three. Went back to sleep eventually and slept until almost 9am. So on the outside it looks like I slept almost two hours but it was actually way, way less.

I'm already significantly less sore than I was even just yesterday, which is timely because I have Pilates at 12. I have got to get on a more regular schedule with that. Missing classes always gets me messed up.

I'm entering an adjustment period of unknown length with the new job. I am too tired to write, all the time. I had some hopes for the weekend but other priorities intruded. All I got around to is rereading some WIP stuff and posting a draft on the AO3.

Keeping up with chores and self-care is also work. And of course at the end of the day I only have about two hours of leisure time to myself in the evening, and by then I'm usually too exhausted for anything more challenging than TV.

I need to wash my hair, though.

~Hazel Goes Off The Rails~

I knew I had compiled at some point a list of first lines from my stories. I was almost sure that I'd posted it to DW. I had a nagging suspicion that I might have locked the post.

Because I wanted to read it conveniently on my phone. But for technical reasons, logging into DW on my phone is complex.

But it nagged at my and my brain was buzzing even though I should be trying to sleep. So I went and fetched my laptop and achieved both things. First, finding the post in question. Second, accessing DW on my phone. Third, brushing my teeth? I think I forgot to do that before.

Fuck, my sleep patterns are way out of whack.

I feel this stupid tiredness where it's like there's a lead weight tied by string to my body and it's pulling me down, and my entire body just wants to flop as far down as possible and not try to get up. But I have a bunch of chores and one of them absolutely has to get done this morning, first thing. A very annoying one that was dropped on me out of nowhere courtesy of my amazingly thoughtful and organized family.

Meanwhile I dreamed that I got a call from that first interview and I was happy because I felt like finally I had options and was employable and then I woke up. ;_;

Could've sworn that I had a thing today, but my nagging suspicion which I've usually dismissed as irrational anxiety has done its work faithfully: when I double-checked it turned out the thing wasn't finalized, just suggested. So glad I checked before I got dressed, it means I can get back in bed and try to get an extra hour's sleep.

Last night I took no sleeping aid and was up for hours with racing thoughts. I'd been optimistic, but I think a half a pill a night is still viable. Maybe it's some other factor stepping in, since I haven't had "staring at the ceiling for two hours" level insomnia in a fair bit.

Late last night I wrote something on whim. I think I'll dedicate tomorrow morning/early afternoon to rereading some of my WIPs. Maybe I'll be able to get some writing momentum again. Maybe I'll just do an inventory. I do think I've been optimistic about how much writing I'd feel up to at this juncture, but I want to reassess.