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Tuesday, 8 May 2018 10:00
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Best thing I ever learned how to do in therapy: saying "this is not normal".

April Retrospective

Tuesday, 1 May 2018 00:30
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
April is gone, and if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm surprised I managed to do as much as I did with it. I wrote a total of about 21K words this month, including about 7K of Blue Rose. Given I only started the actual first draft in March, and that the total for the first act is around 9K and change, that's not half bad. I had set myself a goal of 15K words for the month of April but that proved unrealistic.

It was a busy month. Holidays ate up time with family things, there was the yearly Pesach convention, things like that always throw off my routine and make it hard to keep a schedule. Then there were family issues and I needed to be very available for that, which also didn't do wonders for my personal morale. Things are calming down a little but that mainly means I have to kick myself into higher gear in terms of fixing my own life up.

May is the month when I start to get my shit together. My shit's been untogether since about December, for reference.

Started Pilates again this month too, and I've been therapizing aggressively. Objectively I'm in a miles better place than I was even a month or two ago, let alone last winter. It's hard to see because work means clarity and clarity means seeing everything that still needs to be done. Laundry, reviews for my blog, money matters, work. Everything. I try not to get overwhelmed.

I am doing well. Just not so well that I don't need to keep reminding myself of it. Not so well that I can feel how well I'm doing without deep qualitative analysis. Just feel an uncomplicated emotion and sit with it for a while. That turns out to be the hardest thing.


Thursday, 21 April 2016 11:01
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Passover was approaching with giant, menacing steps and I didn't even have time to make a post about it before it got here and now it's basically here OMG.

Holidays are stress, everyone knows that. I basically have two modes, 'I have to worry about that' and 'I don't have to worry about that yet'. The problem is, once something gets slotted into the second category, it tends to get stuck and stay there too long, until it bubbles up to 'I have to worry about that RIGHT NOW' or 'it's too late to worry about that'. Which sucks.

My medical chores went poorly so that's another things I have to worry about again. And it's the holidays, which means I have to carry all of my mother's stress in addition to my own. And my apartment is so dirty because I am always too tired to clean.

Now I have to choose to forget everything so that I can spend the rest of the morning writing.


Monday, 6 April 2015 10:35
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
My head hurts because I didn't sleep enough (thanks Obama Skyrim) and my eyes hurt because I did an eye exam. Not an EOG, one of the ones with no electrodes. But still, like half an hour of flashing lights and my eyes tearing up. I want to rest my eyes, but I don't want to sleep because it'll prevent me from resetting my night sleep to a semi-reasonable manageable time-frame.

The problem is, literally every source of entertainment I use involves white light screens and eye strain. Goddamn.

For some reason, eye exams tend to put me in a bizarre frame of mind. Weird emotional stuff. )

Anyway, embodiment issues.

I have the whole week off and I was planning on doing some social stuff and whole hell of a lot of writing. I may twine a bit. I... also may write a meta piece about Skyrim. Which I would then post here, and not on Tumblr. I'm not gonna lock it, but I'd probably want it to be linked either selectively or not at all. The last thing I want is to open a meta essay with "rules of engagement" so to speak, but I'm fraught and my energy for conflict is nonexistent.

Anyway, Passover, yeah. Favorite holiday. Best time of year. Totally worth the lack of bread, and ~50% of my other favorite foods.

I'm gonna go lie down before I hurt myself.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
The less said about the elections, the better. Suffice to say, Wednesday morning was rough, not just because of the inexplicable URT infection I've been nursing. I've decided the only cure is video game political assassinations. Plural, if possible.

Meanwhile, I'm keeping up with being sick. Drinking lots of orange juice and tea with honey. Sleeping a lot. Got a doctor's appointment, which will be extremely helpful because doctors can do a lot to treat (probably) viral infections. Making a conscious decision not to think about work until I have to. Also putting off thinking about contracts and deadlines and ugh.

I'm debating between making a post about Skyrim and making a post about family legends.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I got back home from Jerusalem much later than I had planned because my parents had a cool houseguest. Consequently the morning was a lost cause but I dedicated much of the afternoon to sweeping and mopping the whole apartment. This is my least favorite house chore, both because it always leaves me tired, sweaty and gross-feeling, and because the apartment gets really nasty if I don't do it often enough. But I'm starting my first week at the new job with a clean floor and fresh linen, which seems auspicious.

Of course as a consequence of not waking up at my own place, and then later the mad rush of neatening and cleaning, I forgot to each a sensibly timed lunch. Now I'm going through a whole progress of figuring out what I can eat and where it can be acquired. I really wish I'd had the good sense to get more supplies for winter-style cooking. Not that I'd break open a bag of red lentils or pearl barley right now. But sooner or later I need to adjust to having foodable foods at home, and for the winter that's really the best stuff.

I wanted to do writing today but probably I will only do TV: How to Get Away with Murder, Haven, and probably/maybe The Flash.


Monday, 22 September 2014 23:47
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Days keep disappearing from under me. I have to try and look back and count what I did with my hours, where they all went.

I'm cooking a family dinner this week, and next week I have a job interview. Part of me would rather sit here and drink iced coffee and play Sunless Sea or Skyrim all day.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I am trying to both write and feel good about things.

Things I am doing: morning words on 750words have treated me pretty well. stack Exchange has also been pretty good to me, especially writes.SE. Actual words on paper have not gone well, but I've been trying to put together plots and thinking about meta and characterization. I want to know how far I can stretch a character like Aya, who has no canonical backstory. I might have to cave and make a canon for her, IDK.

Staying with my sister went surprisingly okay. I have also succeeded in meeting a friend after work, so that's three evenings this week that I spent with company, rather than sitting in my living room. Paging through Tumblr and playing Sunless Sea. And not writing. Yesterday I worked the morning, which was a bit annoying. Next Friday is family birthday, and the one after that is friend birthday.

And the Friday following is Dragon*Con OMG.

During free hours at work, I've been studying up on HTML 5 canvas element, trying to make a dynamically generated family tree. Between JavaScript and DOM, I've succeeded in creating an interface that allows adding named nodes and creating edges between them. If I backed it with Rails and MySQL I bet I could produce a half-decent shipping chart generator.

Games I need to review on Dreamwidth, because I have too much to say for Tumblr to be sufficient: Sunless Sea, Unrest, Broken Age. Meta essays I need to write: magic, power and nobility in secondary world fantasy.

Le sign.

Monday, 4 August 2014 18:03
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
The plumbing crisis is supposedly over, but while the last of it is being fixed I'm staying at my sister's so I can spend my evenings somewhere pleasanter.

Spring Is Here

Saturday, 12 April 2014 14:46
lea_hazel: Wonder Woman (Genre: Comics)
Everything is happening.

Thursday was a friend's birthday party, which I sadly missed due to falling asleep at ten-ish. On Friday I managed to repair a messed up situation regarding my regular prescriptions, with largely no ill-effect, which I feel I can be proud of. Then I skipped out on family dinner because it's almost Pesach and I'll be seeing everyone soon, anyway.

Speaking of Pesach, sometime in winter there was a sale at Torrid and I picked up two dressed that I've been waiting for spring to wear. One of them needed hemming, so I went to the local seamstress and promptly forgot to pick it up for about a month. At least these kinds of slipups don't prey on my mind the way they ordinarily used to do.

So many people around me are doing depression blogging. Really makes you appreciate certain things.

Tuesday is the first holiday and then on Wednesday and Thursday I have work, and possibly the local spring con in the evening. Gonna have to bite the bullet and ask my sister if I can crash at hers one night. Then again, I don't know how many of the events I'd really be interested in. At least when it comes to a workday evening.
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
IDK what happened to this month week. Well, I know what happened to yesterday. A family chore popped up at an inopportune time, and served to remind me of several personal medical chores that I fucked up. I know there was at least one day when I did surprisingly much writing with surprising ease. With the semester only a month away, I've motivated myself to watch more MIT lectures. My mother's call yesterday interrupted the third one.

My weekend listlessness seems to have arrived early.

[livejournal.com profile] rarewomen is happening and I believe I may want to participate in some way. I think I'll exploit this as an opportunity to (try and) generate more Cinders fanfic, and perhaps I'll include some more obscure fandoms? Or Veronica Mars, that's always good. More Lilly Kane is always good. And Runaways qualifies, of course.


Thursday, 16 January 2014 20:30
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I'd like to write a serious, contemplative post, but...

Chores continue to be a pain in the ass, mainly when combined with family issues. Really, I'd rather just put it out of my mind if that's at all possible.

I picked up a translation job through a Facebook friend, mainly to occupy my time productively. The article actually deals with a lot of the same stuff I was studying (less than a year ago!) so it's bringing up some mixed emotions. The subject matter is very interesting, but I think it might be out of date.

Speaking of higher education, holy shit! In six weeks the OP semester starts. The only course I'm in is discrete mathematics, but given my tenure as a mathphobe, I think that's plenty. Somehow, two thirds of an OU degree is less intimidating than 12 credits at the "closed university".

Because I can't maintain moods for any discernible period of time, I have no idea how I feel about my writing. I have been reading a ~classic pro slash fic that I'd been "meaning to read" for the last decade or so. Let me tell you, if I'd read these books when they were published... my fandom career would have unfolded quite differently.

My computer has been freezing regularly and I can't figure out why. Time for another cleaning as a catch-all fix?
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
So here is the state of affairs where I am:

The city is under a massive layer of snow. Major roads (to hospitals etc.) are cleared, trains are leaving the city but not entering it, hundreds of fallen tree limbs and massive snow drifts are blocking most neighborhood streets. It's pretty much a national crisis with home front coming in to back up the snow plows, ambulances, and the electrical company. Two toddlers in uniforms knocked on my parents' door earlier today to ask if we had food and heating.

My parents, last I checked, were one of the last houses on their streets still without power. I spent the whole long weekend there, since they have an oil heater that keeps the whole house warm. We weren't expecting two whole days of no power. My brother and I left late today and I got home about an hour ago -- through the courtesy of a sainted cab driver who wasn't even supposed to be working.

Now I have electricity and internet, a heater in a closed room, tea, and very soon -- hot water for a shower. I have been craving a decent shower for what seems like days. Honestly just being in my own living room has already cheered me up immensely. Once I've showered and changed I think I'll feel so much better.


Wednesday, 23 October 2013 08:24
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Health: Sleep)
I feel this stupid tiredness where it's like there's a lead weight tied by string to my body and it's pulling me down, and my entire body just wants to flop as far down as possible and not try to get up. But I have a bunch of chores and one of them absolutely has to get done this morning, first thing. A very annoying one that was dropped on me out of nowhere courtesy of my amazingly thoughtful and organized family.

Meanwhile I dreamed that I got a call from that first interview and I was happy because I felt like finally I had options and was employable and then I woke up. ;_;


Saturday, 19 October 2013 14:28
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
Today I decided that a productive use of my time would be to google for videos of the plasticine stop motion animation Haggadah that my grandmother had when I was little. No, I don't know either.

I did well with writing yesterday and I'm trying to hold on to that feeling, not let it wash away under the deluge of all the unfinished projects that my brain chose this specific moment to remind me of. I made a list. Why did I make a list? That was bad.

Next week we have municipal elections and I have a job interview. Which I need to study for. I also have notes on a game that I ought to look through. And some videos to watch. And...

And I have to remind myself that I can't, won't and don't need to do all the things. Even if other people are doing more all the things than me. And ficathons are for fun, not obligation. And exchange fics don't have to be masterpieces that alter fandom forever while simultaneously complying with every detail in the recipient's dear author letter.

And if I don't write original fic, that's okay too.

Goddammit, editing is the worst.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
I had a quite successful morning going down to the market to do a proper grocery shopping. Picked up a whole bunch of fruit and vegetables, and planned a soup (second of the season, hopefully to be less sharp than the first). Also replaced the market cart I lost, a very vital component of a healthy grocery shopping routine. Which is to say, one big shopping once a week, as opposed to 3-4 small trips and constantly being out of one thing or the other.

My khakis are loose and I suspect I may be losing weight again and/or still. Not a bad thing in and of itself except as an indicator that there's something wrong with my appetite levels. Appetite loss could mean a lot of different things.

I put together a fall TV schedule so that I can remember what I'm following and when it becomes available. This has mostly only come up on Tumblr. I still cheerfully follow Elementary, and Legend of Korra somewhat less cheerfully. Late in the summer I picked up Haven and binged on it, and Sleepy Hollow is my favorite new show. Feeling pretty decent about the entertainment possibilities of this lineup.

Job and education options are still anxiously up in the air.

To do today: the dishes, the linen, some writing, some professional materials. Also some family time this evening. My mother is away which means I need to try a little harder than usual.


Saturday, 24 August 2013 16:33
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Yesterday was the big shared birthday party. It was a dinner party for about twelve, and we ended up making enough food for about twenty, I think. All in all, though, things went very smoothly. Both the food and the company were lovely and I am so glad I did this. Although there were lots of fandom people there, it was light on the fandom talk most of the time. Which makes a nice change of pace, I think.

I slept over at my sister's and spent Saturday morning with her. We don't often spend quality time alone together and we were both of pretty good spirits so it was very nice. I left her one of the mini-watermelons I bought that we never opened, and I figure I'll bring the second one to my parents. My mom eats a lot of fruit, and my fridge is already pretty full.

On the one hand, it's Saturday and I have every excuse to spend the whole day on Tumblr or playing video games. On the other hand, it would be nice if I could motivate myself to write some original fiction. I'm completely rusty, especially since I'm trying to write in Hebrew which AHAHAHAHAHA. And trying to write Hebrew language fantasy which HAHAHAHA-no. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but now is the time to do all the things I said I would do etc. etc.

As long as I keep a clear head and reasonable expectations about it.


Saturday, 17 August 2013 14:11
lea_hazel: Arthritis: It does the body bad (Health: Arthritis)
Spent the morning with family discussing family business. I drove there in the morning and then back, after not having gotten in the car for a week plus. One of those things that still seems needlessly complicated if I son't stay on top of it.

I wrote Thursday and Friday and I'm not cutting myself any slack today. I want to do at least twenty minutes to get in the habit. And I want to stop letting time slide out of my hands just because it's easy. I had a sudden thrill when I thought of returning to a half-abandoned WIP... Let's see if I can leverage that.

(I almost don't want a job but I know it will make things worse in every way.)
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
My grandmother over the last few years of her life collected a list of a hundred books she wanted me to read. The list itself seems to be missing, and the bundles of books tied with brown rubber bands, which were stored in the closet of her spare room, added up to fewer than a round hundred. Some are missing, and some I chose to leave behind. A lot of them are immensely important classics, or recent winners of major awards like the Booker prize. My grandmother had highbrow taste... some of the time.

My brother and I went over the books and boxed the ones I intended to keep for sure. Of course I felt guilty over every book that curled my mouth, like refusing to read about the first synagogue in some distant town that I'd never heard of was an implicit rejection of who she was, what she valued, and her love and effort on my behalf. Then again, the harsh truth of the matter is I don't want to, and wouldn't, read those books. Whereas I might well enjoy Mrs. Dalloway or The Bell Jar.

Yesterday I picked up a new book from the post office and became almost immediately engrossed. It's a book about dragons, not exactly my grandmother's fondest ambition for me. She had pretty interesting ideas about how clever I was, too bad their scale was way off. Because part of me still wants to be that pretentious highbrow person, who can use all the award-winning books he's read as armor against the older, the higher-ranked, the more objectively important people of the world.

Instead all the armor I have is my own thoughts and ideas. And the dragons, there's them too.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
I have capitulated and placed a shortcut link to a copy of the litany against fear in the top menu bar of my Chrome installation.

Yesterday my parents had a birthday celebration and it went much better (less worse?) than it could have. I am happy about my dad because he was wearing the denim jacket I bought him for his last birthday and I think he's finally starting to do better. It's a small sign, but a good one.

This is the week of the sixth. Next week is the week of the thirteenth, when presentations start happening. The week of the twentieth is the last week of classes. The week of the third is exams. After that everything will look up.

That is not that much longer to hold out, not if I portion it out into manageable sections. Everything is on schedule and everything is being kept up with. There is no need to spend every hour of every day thinking about schoolwork, because everything will get done in a timely manner even if I take a break now and then.


lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)

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