Jan. 1st, 2020 08:00 am
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Drop me a line about anything here.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I posted my Yuletide draft. I'm not really pleased with its progress, and I feel like I will probably want to keep staring at it and angsting and maybe putting in some tweaks until just about exactly the reveal deadline. But I am also at the point where I can start to feel anticipation for my upcoming gift. The receiving part is, oddly, the most major flaw in my conduct as an exchange participant. I'm a terrible recipient because I stress so much over my gift and tend to finish it last minute. I end up not enjoying the gift archives nearly as much as I ought to.

But never mind that, it is a holiday (albeit a fake one) and a weekend and I'm going to a party soon. I might even get all dressed up or something. It's cold out, but it's not meant to be raining, and it's not like I'm going by bus or anything.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
All of my writing energy seems to be going towards my daily pages, and when I get it there never seems to be anything that I feel the need to share with the rest of the world. Obviously, if I were writing full-time this would have to change. Then again, I'd also have some structured subjects to talk about.

Reading: I was reading The Summer Prince but I took a short break and lost my momentum. The quality of prose is good and it's stocked with all sorts of good, shiny little ideas, but they can't obscure the fact that the premise of the book is human sacrifice. It's a hard sell, and I'm not sold. Then I started reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and I was pretty enthralled for a while, but Helen's diary is a hard read and I took a break and didn't pick it up again yet I promise nothing. Now I'm reading Late Eclipses (one of the Toby Daye books) and pretty well tearing through it. I read a lot on the weekend, which was nice.

I am also reading ungodly amounts of Skyrim fanfic (how the hell did video game fandom even happen to me?). And I tried digging into the [community profile] femslashex archives from this year but haven't even made a dent.

Writing: Yuletide was going well, and then it stalled. I'm nervous. My piece is coherent, but it's under a thousand words and I fear it's inevitably to be seen as incomplete. How to go about completing it to standard is something I need to stew on. Most of my other fanfic is stalled, but I did make a breakthrough last week with something I've been stuck on for a while. Relationship-type dialogue, and a more complex sort than what I have dealt with mostly up to now. My Collar of the Damned stuff is also stalled. I try not to dwell too hard on how many open WIPs I have. It is depressing.

Of course, the reason for all of this is my current fixation with Skyrim fanfic, of which I have been producing a fairly respectable amount. Anatomy of a fandom infatuation. I actually think about that subject a lot, now.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Hello, weekend.

The problem with life is, that everything happens at the same time. I am not very good at that, as it stands. This weekend is a weekend for getting things a little bit back on course. That means pushing a little harder than usual. Make things neat, and organized, not just clean. Throw out what's unnecessary. Make a food plan instead of just buying groceries and hoping for the best.

Today we talked about self-esteem.

Read more... )

IDK. Self-image is complicated.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I feel like my life might be moving in some sort of direction. Not that I've yet determined which direction, but small mercies.

Life Plans

Nov. 29th, 2014 05:05 pm
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
It was a great plan. I start work, sign up for the open university, take some courses, and before I know it I'm halfway to having a degree in computer science. And with a degree I'm suddenly that much more employable. I'm not dependent on keeping my current job, because if something should happen and I lose it, the major obstacle for me in the interview circuit is gone. Suddenly potential employers can see all my virtues as a potential employee. What got me my current job is my immediate availability.

So, you see, it was a very good plan. It would solve everything that I fucked up by not finishing my degree after four years. In fact, it would have put me ahead of where I would have been if I'd just finished a degree is psychology and biology, because it would be relevant to my profession. So I signed up for the first class in a computer science degree, discrete mathematics. I could read the material at any time, and complete all the assignments over the computer on the university website. Perfect for a full-time job.

The only flaw in the plan is that I have to learn discrete mathematics. And I don't like it, and I'm not good at it. I don't remember the things I read after I complete the relevant assignment. No coherent meaning makes itself apparent out of the material I study. When I think about sacrificing my weekends and evenings to this, I hate the thought. And I really hate the thought that I'll have to relearn all the material for the next assignment.

IDK. Maybe I'm being defeatist. Or maybe I just need this degree so fucking bad that it's blinded me to why I dropped out to begin with.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Things I accomplished today: zero.

Okay, that's a lie. I swept the floors and did a whole bunch of house chores. There was a lot of dust. Disquietingly much. Not really sure how to handle things like dust accumulating on top of the closet. I still need to make the bed, preferably now and not at eleven thirty when I just want to fall into bed and sink into sleep.

Work has kind of eaten all my energies. My preoccupation revolves around getting house chores done, motivating myself to get to work early (so that I don't have to leave very late), keeping up with work and not getting bored... A little free time goes to reading and writing. Mostly passive stuff, very little in terms of words on paper.

And I keep having to convince myself not to play the list-of-things-to-accomplish-on-the-weekend game. It only leads to playing five straight hours of Skyrim and then feeling guilty as hell. I work, I need rest, that's totally reasonable.

And somehow blogging stops being something that I do to help myself focus, and becomes another thing to manufacture artificial guilt for. Most of my writing energy, I suppose, goes into my daily pages at Those have been pretty consistently helpful.

I am still afraid that I don't know how to live.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
The everlasting dilemma.

Part of the "getting my shit together" plan was to stop putting off looking at the course material for discrete mathematics which, I remind you, I am taking for the second time because I conked out last spring. And discovering that the due date for the first two tasks has passed. And that I don't remember my password. And that the computer assignment system won't let me save drafts.

But I read aloud from the book, which helps a lot because thinking out loud works for me even if it drives everyone else batshit. And I solved five out of eleven questions, when the assignment is due on the fourteenth. Not too shabby.

The next step of the plan is to cook lunch. Because eating. And because having cooked food in the house when I get home at sevenish and my brain is fried. And because mashed sweet potatoes. Might skip the gioger and try some cumin this time. I feel like doing something a little bit different.

I worry about money and being on time and having decent-looking clothes. And I worry about over-extending myself and losing sight of priorities. And I worry that I don't know what my priorities are (and never will). It seems a no brainer that uni > writing because deadlines, and grades, and qualifications. I need this degree if I'm going to have any kind of career stability. 2/3 at least of the jobs I'm qualified for won't even look at resumes unless you have a CS BSc or equivalent.

But writing > everything but health is also a no-brainer. Because writing.

At least I know (finally!) that health always > everything else. Took me a while to master that one.


Oct. 28th, 2014 07:56 pm
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Work is hard. :/

/huge whiner
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Optional details are optional!

Basically what I'm gonna do is this: first I will list a few squicks and triggers I prefer you'd avoid, then I'll list a few general things that make me happy, and finally I'll put down a story concept for each fandom I requested. You're not bound to any of these and you can use whichever level of detail you're most comfortable with.

Squicks and triggers )

Stuff I like )

Fandoms I requested )
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I got back home from Jerusalem much later than I had planned because my parents had a cool houseguest. Consequently the morning was a lost cause but I dedicated much of the afternoon to sweeping and mopping the whole apartment. This is my least favorite house chore, both because it always leaves me tired, sweaty and gross-feeling, and because the apartment gets really nasty if I don't do it often enough. But I'm starting my first week at the new job with a clean floor and fresh linen, which seems auspicious.

Of course as a consequence of not waking up at my own place, and then later the mad rush of neatening and cleaning, I forgot to each a sensibly timed lunch. Now I'm going through a whole progress of figuring out what I can eat and where it can be acquired. I really wish I'd had the good sense to get more supplies for winter-style cooking. Not that I'd break open a bag of red lentils or pearl barley right now. But sooner or later I need to adjust to having foodable foods at home, and for the winter that's really the best stuff.

I wanted to do writing today but probably I will only do TV: How to Get Away with Murder, Haven, and probably/maybe The Flash.

Root canal

Oct. 24th, 2014 01:51 pm
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
And really, nothing else needs saying.
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Of course, the most burning questions on my end are 1) Is someone going to vid Zero Motivation? and 2) If so, are they going to do it to every song that came out in the nineties omgf adjsfldg.

I mean. Is it just me or is this a hugely nineties kids movie. I know it's not just me. Right? Right?

I'm sorry I'm not sorry but this movie does things to my brain. I mean. It's a movie about the army that's not only relevant to my experiences but aggressively so. I MEAN.

I cannot with this movie. I. can. not.


Oct. 19th, 2014 01:49 pm
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Did a test for a job. Owe a phone call for another job. Looked up Open U and they had no useful information to provide, other than reminding me that I signed up for a group with no face-to-face instruction. Now I need to do lunch, but I've gotten to the place where I'm too hungry to eat, I have no appetite and there's nothing especially tempting in the house.

Health blather )

Anyway I got the [community profile] femslashex in and it's... uh, in English. It has sentences and there are girl kisses and more than a thousand words. Technically it meets the qualifications for a fill. Whether it can exceed the base level requirements is beyond my capacity to speculate on, right now.

I am going to go eat a food.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
So it's Friday. And Fridays are weird days. Weirder still when unemployed, because I don't have a work week to set the tone. For example, today I woke late, only did a minimal shopping, did no house chores and barely left the house. Whereas when working I would do a big grocery shopping on Friday morning-ish, or else at least try to clean, or run a laundry. And in the afternoon I would take advantage of the weekend atmosphere to take a walk down one of the more interesting streets. Maybe do some shopping chores, maybe not. Maybe sit in a cafe.

The lack of employment makes it hard to delineate the weekend.

I have a draft saved of a meta post I'm working on regarding using the setting of a story as an independent character. I need to do more research, though, and I may delve into TV Tropes to help me recall some good examples. I am a great fan of treating places and objects like personality-holding characters with motivation and volition. I feel it adds something to stories that nothing else does. I find myself returning to this trope a lot.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I took up some sort of weird work commitment that accounts for a few hours a month. Nothing resembling a paycheck but I am relieved at the very least at having productive occupation. The kind that I know I can stick to/see through, since I'm getting pretty tired of being mad at myself for spending too much time online (or playing games) and not enough time studying/working/writing. I hope this works out and helps keep me sharp for when I get a full-time job, and maybe even spruces up my resume. Meanwhile I have an interview/exam for a real position on Sunday morning. The holidays are fucking with my sense of time.

I have discovered myself to be too tired, or anxious, or bored to do much Icon this year. It's just... abominably crowded, and full of kids, and smells powerfully of stale sweat. /o\

My current fic assignment is behind schedule and I'm nervous as hell. There's a creeping feeling growing in the back of my mind that I might miss the deadline, which is something I have never done. Nearly happened with this year's [community profile] purimgifts, but at the end I got the last one in. Defaulting, and at such a late point, is really an awful feeling. I just-- ugh, I just have to man the hell up and write it, even if it doesn't come out as good as I hoped.

I know there's a Tumblr Savior-like app that works on AO3. How about Delicious? Is there anything that will allow me to somehow reverse filter links to prompts/fills? IDK. "Not" filtering is kind of complicated.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
My daily words analysis claims that I feel "certain" about my writing. I wonder if it's because I worked it out and arrived at a resolution, or whether I cheated and strayed to subjects I feel more confident about.

For the record, Read more... )

Emotions are so unhelpful sometimes.

As a total tangent, I keep looking up synonyms for colors and the word "livid" keeps coming up on wildly different results. I find this more amusing than I probably should. The level of entertainment I can derive from looking through a thesaurus always impresses me.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Did a Righteous House Cleaning event, minus mopping which is already a week overdue. And necessary, despite what I told myself when I finished the sweeping. But going through all the major, can't-live-without-them cleaning chores took a lot out of me and also took more than two hours, so I decided it was shower time and I could be reasonably proud of my accomplishments. Especially given I moved all sorts of furniture and found a civilization of dust bunnies under my bed. Next time I move, I'm getting rid of this bedframe and getting one that stands right on the floor, ISTG.

In funner news I also hanged some pictures, finally, so I can point to the positive presence in my living room, not just the lack of dust or piles of paper chores un-taken care of. The aconitum illustration I bought in Venice is above my computer (where I plan to place a desk when I finally find one). Supergirl from Dragon*Con (2011, mind) is hanging above my bed. My great-aunt's seaweed collage went on a nail that was already in, near the front door. That way I see it whenever I'm coming in and closing the door behind me. :D

I am seriously considering upgrading to a newer version of Windows. What I have right now is 7, amd I've already had a dubious acquaintance with 9. The question now is whether to go for 8 in hopes that it meets my lofty needs, or opt to wait for 10. Which may be out already, actually? I'm so out of the loop. Anyway, a massive one-sweep upgrade may be out of the question (both financially and for all the trouble it invariably causes), but maybe I can trickle them in gradually.


Oct. 5th, 2014 12:57 pm
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
Yet another Yom Kippur has passed, and I have failed to contemplate my existence any more deeply than usual. Meh.

I guess blog entries are a way of building up towards the aspiration to more difficult writing later on. I did write four days in a row and so I feel pretty good about my chances today. Which is hopeful, because I have a [community profile] femslashex assignment to complete. One which I have only barely started despite having a good idea and a decent outline.

Daily words on are progressing pretty handily. I write about all sorts of nonsense. I swear a lot. I plan stories and daily activities. The textual analysis is pretty entertaining.

If the guy from that one job doesn't call me before the day is out I will feel extremely put upon. I can't sustain this unemployment state much longer. Especially not with Skyrim installed on my computer *le sign*.

At least Skyrim is providing a valuable distraction from certain other fandoms.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
My grocery shopping today was both more expensive and heavier than usual. Heavier is because of the various beverages. Expensive might be for the same reason. I'll have to go over the receipt. On the other hand, I just deposited a rent check and set up a transfer from my savings, so I know I can cover it. The only question that remains is whether I'll have a salary to pull at the end of October.

I have a job prospect lined up. The person in charge already told me twice that he wants me for the position. There seem to be an inordinate number of logistical difficulties. I want to be hopeful but I also want to be wary, but most of all I wish for certainty. It has come to light that the uncertainty of the human element is probably the source of most (if not all) of my anxiety.

Also, I love that it gets dark earlier and chilly late at night, but still warm and close-aired and sweaty in midday. And by love I might urgh.

In other news, Skyrim. In compliance with the mandate to be several years behind everyone when it comes to things like this, I started playing it about two weeks ago, when it came on sale for 4.99$. "Price of a cup of coffee" has become my metric for a leisure expense so small that there's no need to sweat it. And so far I've been enjoying it! Smart purchase yay.

I have the draft of a book post saved. Really should have posted it yesterday for Reading Wednesday or whatever.


lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)

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