Contact

Jan. 1st, 2020 08:00 am
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Drop me a line about anything here.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Dragging myself out of bed when the first alarm rings (fine, I snoozed for ten minutes) only because I know that I have an early eye exam and showing up at nine isn't an option. Bluh. My lack of motivation this winter is starting to really drain me.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I am trying to calibrate my expectations. When one wakes up in the morning and feels more than the usual reluctance to get out of bed, or is much colder than the weather justifies, or one is sitting and eating breakfast and feels like sinking into the chair with heaviness... This is the kind of fatigue that I usually associate with mild infections. My GP is out today. Probably the wise thing would be to phone my boss and explain that I am ill. (I have worked there for two months plus and have taken one sick day previously).

I probably can drag myself up and into some clothes, stuff myself with cold pills and power through nine hours of work. I hardly ever get measurable fevers, so heaven knows I've done it before when I've had little choice. But then yesterday a number of people asked me whether I was ill again due to my constant sniffling ('not again, still') and so many I have an excuse?

Far from being able to make a sensible, fact-oriented decision, I feel like it's actually the 'missing work' guilt warring with the 'not taking care of your health' guilt. But then the system, when I look into it, is set up for 'powering through small illnesses' pretty explicitly. I do this so much I hardly notice the small stuff? I blow my nose or pop a pill and move on with my life, much the same as if it was an allergy attack. It's only when I get this dragging feeling or something similar that I wonder, 'how will I make it to the bus? from the bus? back home again?'
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I really don't want to get dressed and go out of doors. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life, right now.

I especially don't want it since I realized that I can't wear sneakers and I'd have to lace myself into a pair of boots to withstand the weather. I'd much rather lounge in my pajamas and sweatshirt, waffle on Tumblr, generally let time disappear from under me and stay in the warm, dry house. But checks need to be deposited (I actually was meant to have done this at least a week ago) and I have almost no fruit in the house, and no vegetables at all. So I will finish my morning routine, hopefully before ten, and get off my ass.

Later I will write. Tomorrow I'd like to look at some ongoing works that have been in progress too long and progress one of them a bit, but today I think is a day for disposable twenty minute fic bits. Sort of like the difference between an honest relationship and a flirtation.

There's a lot that I could talk about, but I won't. Not right now. I should write about Yuletide, at the very least. My fic was so wonderfully received, I want to gush about it properly (to someone other than myself).
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
I'm putting the link into my signup now! I will fill this out later!

edit 18/1: still totally filling this out! plz be a tiny bit more patient!

So, I am never sure what level of specificity my author is most comfortable with. This year I decided to go with a little bit of everything. Feel free to choose whichever level of detail helps you, the first one being of course the fandom match itself.

Squicks and triggers )

General likes )

Specific fandoms )

This got too long. But it was fun to write!
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I posted my Yuletide draft. I'm not really pleased with its progress, and I feel like I will probably want to keep staring at it and angsting and maybe putting in some tweaks until just about exactly the reveal deadline. But I am also at the point where I can start to feel anticipation for my upcoming gift. The receiving part is, oddly, the most major flaw in my conduct as an exchange participant. I'm a terrible recipient because I stress so much over my gift and tend to finish it last minute. I end up not enjoying the gift archives nearly as much as I ought to.

But never mind that, it is a holiday (albeit a fake one) and a weekend and I'm going to a party soon. I might even get all dressed up or something. It's cold out, but it's not meant to be raining, and it's not like I'm going by bus or anything.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
All of my writing energy seems to be going towards my daily pages, and when I get it there never seems to be anything that I feel the need to share with the rest of the world. Obviously, if I were writing full-time this would have to change. Then again, I'd also have some structured subjects to talk about.

Reading: I was reading The Summer Prince but I took a short break and lost my momentum. The quality of prose is good and it's stocked with all sorts of good, shiny little ideas, but they can't obscure the fact that the premise of the book is human sacrifice. It's a hard sell, and I'm not sold. Then I started reading The Tenant of Wildfell Hall and I was pretty enthralled for a while, but Helen's diary is a hard read and I took a break and didn't pick it up again yet I promise nothing. Now I'm reading Late Eclipses (one of the Toby Daye books) and pretty well tearing through it. I read a lot on the weekend, which was nice.

I am also reading ungodly amounts of Skyrim fanfic (how the hell did video game fandom even happen to me?). And I tried digging into the [community profile] femslashex archives from this year but haven't even made a dent.

Writing: Yuletide was going well, and then it stalled. I'm nervous. My piece is coherent, but it's under a thousand words and I fear it's inevitably to be seen as incomplete. How to go about completing it to standard is something I need to stew on. Most of my other fanfic is stalled, but I did make a breakthrough last week with something I've been stuck on for a while. Relationship-type dialogue, and a more complex sort than what I have dealt with mostly up to now. My Collar of the Damned stuff is also stalled. I try not to dwell too hard on how many open WIPs I have. It is depressing.

Of course, the reason for all of this is my current fixation with Skyrim fanfic, of which I have been producing a fairly respectable amount. Anatomy of a fandom infatuation. I actually think about that subject a lot, now.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Hello, weekend.

The problem with life is, that everything happens at the same time. I am not very good at that, as it stands. This weekend is a weekend for getting things a little bit back on course. That means pushing a little harder than usual. Make things neat, and organized, not just clean. Throw out what's unnecessary. Make a food plan instead of just buying groceries and hoping for the best.

Today we talked about self-esteem.

Read more... )

IDK. Self-image is complicated.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I feel like my life might be moving in some sort of direction. Not that I've yet determined which direction, but small mercies.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Things I accomplished today: zero.

Okay, that's a lie. I swept the floors and did a whole bunch of house chores. There was a lot of dust. Disquietingly much. Not really sure how to handle things like dust accumulating on top of the closet. I still need to make the bed, preferably now and not at eleven thirty when I just want to fall into bed and sink into sleep.

Work has kind of eaten all my energies. My preoccupation revolves around getting house chores done, motivating myself to get to work early (so that I don't have to leave very late), keeping up with work and not getting bored... A little free time goes to reading and writing. Mostly passive stuff, very little in terms of words on paper.

And I keep having to convince myself not to play the list-of-things-to-accomplish-on-the-weekend game. It only leads to playing five straight hours of Skyrim and then feeling guilty as hell. I work, I need rest, that's totally reasonable.

And somehow blogging stops being something that I do to help myself focus, and becomes another thing to manufacture artificial guilt for. Most of my writing energy, I suppose, goes into my daily pages at 750words.com. Those have been pretty consistently helpful.

I am still afraid that I don't know how to live.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
The everlasting dilemma.

Part of the "getting my shit together" plan was to stop putting off looking at the course material for discrete mathematics which, I remind you, I am taking for the second time because I conked out last spring. And discovering that the due date for the first two tasks has passed. And that I don't remember my password. And that the computer assignment system won't let me save drafts.

But I read aloud from the book, which helps a lot because thinking out loud works for me even if it drives everyone else batshit. And I solved five out of eleven questions, when the assignment is due on the fourteenth. Not too shabby.

The next step of the plan is to cook lunch. Because eating. And because having cooked food in the house when I get home at sevenish and my brain is fried. And because mashed sweet potatoes. Might skip the gioger and try some cumin this time. I feel like doing something a little bit different.

I worry about money and being on time and having decent-looking clothes. And I worry about over-extending myself and losing sight of priorities. And I worry that I don't know what my priorities are (and never will). It seems a no brainer that uni > writing because deadlines, and grades, and qualifications. I need this degree if I'm going to have any kind of career stability. 2/3 at least of the jobs I'm qualified for won't even look at resumes unless you have a CS BSc or equivalent.

But writing > everything but health is also a no-brainer. Because writing.

At least I know (finally!) that health always > everything else. Took me a while to master that one.

Whine

Oct. 28th, 2014 07:56 pm
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
Work is hard. :/

/huge whiner
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Optional details are optional!

Basically what I'm gonna do is this: first I will list a few squicks and triggers I prefer you'd avoid, then I'll list a few general things that make me happy, and finally I'll put down a story concept for each fandom I requested. You're not bound to any of these and you can use whichever level of detail you're most comfortable with.

Squicks and triggers )

Stuff I like )

Fandoms I requested )
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I got back home from Jerusalem much later than I had planned because my parents had a cool houseguest. Consequently the morning was a lost cause but I dedicated much of the afternoon to sweeping and mopping the whole apartment. This is my least favorite house chore, both because it always leaves me tired, sweaty and gross-feeling, and because the apartment gets really nasty if I don't do it often enough. But I'm starting my first week at the new job with a clean floor and fresh linen, which seems auspicious.

Of course as a consequence of not waking up at my own place, and then later the mad rush of neatening and cleaning, I forgot to each a sensibly timed lunch. Now I'm going through a whole progress of figuring out what I can eat and where it can be acquired. I really wish I'd had the good sense to get more supplies for winter-style cooking. Not that I'd break open a bag of red lentils or pearl barley right now. But sooner or later I need to adjust to having foodable foods at home, and for the winter that's really the best stuff.

I wanted to do writing today but probably I will only do TV: How to Get Away with Murder, Haven, and probably/maybe The Flash.

Root canal

Oct. 24th, 2014 01:51 pm
lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
And really, nothing else needs saying.
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Of course, the most burning questions on my end are 1) Is someone going to vid Zero Motivation? and 2) If so, are they going to do it to every song that came out in the nineties omgf adjsfldg.

I mean. Is it just me or is this a hugely nineties kids movie. I know it's not just me. Right? Right?

I'm sorry I'm not sorry but this movie does things to my brain. I mean. It's a movie about the army that's not only relevant to my experiences but aggressively so. I MEAN.

I cannot with this movie. I. can. not.

FML

Oct. 19th, 2014 01:49 pm
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Did a test for a job. Owe a phone call for another job. Looked up Open U and they had no useful information to provide, other than reminding me that I signed up for a group with no face-to-face instruction. Now I need to do lunch, but I've gotten to the place where I'm too hungry to eat, I have no appetite and there's nothing especially tempting in the house.

Health blather )

Anyway I got the [community profile] femslashex in and it's... uh, in English. It has sentences and there are girl kisses and more than a thousand words. Technically it meets the qualifications for a fill. Whether it can exceed the base level requirements is beyond my capacity to speculate on, right now.

I am going to go eat a food.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
So it's Friday. And Fridays are weird days. Weirder still when unemployed, because I don't have a work week to set the tone. For example, today I woke late, only did a minimal shopping, did no house chores and barely left the house. Whereas when working I would do a big grocery shopping on Friday morning-ish, or else at least try to clean, or run a laundry. And in the afternoon I would take advantage of the weekend atmosphere to take a walk down one of the more interesting streets. Maybe do some shopping chores, maybe not. Maybe sit in a cafe.

The lack of employment makes it hard to delineate the weekend.

I have a draft saved of a meta post I'm working on regarding using the setting of a story as an independent character. I need to do more research, though, and I may delve into TV Tropes to help me recall some good examples. I am a great fan of treating places and objects like personality-holding characters with motivation and volition. I feel it adds something to stories that nothing else does. I find myself returning to this trope a lot.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I took up some sort of weird work commitment that accounts for a few hours a month. Nothing resembling a paycheck but I am relieved at the very least at having productive occupation. The kind that I know I can stick to/see through, since I'm getting pretty tired of being mad at myself for spending too much time online (or playing games) and not enough time studying/working/writing. I hope this works out and helps keep me sharp for when I get a full-time job, and maybe even spruces up my resume. Meanwhile I have an interview/exam for a real position on Sunday morning. The holidays are fucking with my sense of time.

I have discovered myself to be too tired, or anxious, or bored to do much Icon this year. It's just... abominably crowded, and full of kids, and smells powerfully of stale sweat. /o\

My current fic assignment is behind schedule and I'm nervous as hell. There's a creeping feeling growing in the back of my mind that I might miss the deadline, which is something I have never done. Nearly happened with this year's [community profile] purimgifts, but at the end I got the last one in. Defaulting, and at such a late point, is really an awful feeling. I just-- ugh, I just have to man the hell up and write it, even if it doesn't come out as good as I hoped.

I know there's a Tumblr Savior-like app that works on AO3. How about Delicious? Is there anything that will allow me to somehow reverse filter links to prompts/fills? IDK. "Not" filtering is kind of complicated.

Profile

lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
lea_hazel

January 2015

S M T W T F S
    123
4567 8 910
11121314 151617
1819 2021222324
25262728293031

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Feb. 1st, 2015 04:04 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios