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Getting Results
Jun. 19th, 2013 06:26 pmMore and more I am seeing direct results and beginning to comprehend just how huge the difference in, when trying to get any kind of work done, between working with and without the effects of methylphenidate. Right now, for example, it is getting very difficult to control the thought machine. For the first time I feel like I have a small idea of what it means to function on a daily basis when every little task does not become some sort of federal case. Possibly someday soon I will look back on the fact that I only started taking it now as a tragedy.
(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2013 11:05 amJESUS CHRIST YOU'RE IN THE HOME STRETCH DON'T FUCKING HAVE A PANIC ATTACK NOW.
Long Live the Queen fanfic about Lottie becoming queen of Nova.
Endless, shameless curtainfic for Madeleine/Nazagi/Cassidy from The Royal Trap.
Fanfic for Machiavellian!Cinders from Cinders.
Fanfic for Pearl's Perils what the hell how did this fandom even happen to me.
Oh lordie I already have so many unfinished stories why do I keep getting ideas.
Endless, shameless curtainfic for Madeleine/Nazagi/Cassidy from The Royal Trap.
Fanfic for Machiavellian!Cinders from Cinders.
Fanfic for Pearl's Perils what the hell how did this fandom even happen to me.
Oh lordie I already have so many unfinished stories why do I keep getting ideas.
There are days when you get up in the morning and all you want to do is crawl back into bed. Ordinarily I would cut myself a little slack in a situation like this, but I have a looming deadline and my project is shit. The thing is, I can't even really tell if I'm tired or depressed.
Fuck my life, fuck this semester, and fuck me for not planning my projects better or taking on fewer classes. Or getting fucking ritalin three years ago.
Fuck my life, fuck this semester, and fuck me for not planning my projects better or taking on fewer classes. Or getting fucking ritalin three years ago.
The Grand Migration
Jun. 15th, 2013 05:57 pm( Yesterday I had a problem with creatures which possess more than the customary number of legs. )
I can hardly remember the last time I panicked like that.
I can hardly remember the last time I panicked like that.
I have a MATLAB project due Tuesday and I may have just learned I need to throw out almost everything I've done so far. Because I failed to do sufficient research into the basic capabilities of the toolboxes I was using, in a timely and orderly fashion, before I dove right in to start writing code. Which is the most foolish mistake I can possibly imagine making.
Not feeling too great about myself right now.
Luckily or perhaps not so much I can do heavy load "crunch days" today, tomorrow and Saturday, and even most of Sunday if necessary. The only problem then would be where to direct that time because I'm at a loss for ideas right now. Crisis point.
If I make it past this it's one down, five to go. I am so close to the end, it's just ear enough to taunt me.
At least I filled my prescription and I think I'll finally be rid of the furious looking red scratchy rashes that have infected my forearms and thighs lately, whenever they've been exposed to the air. It's either heat rash or pollen allergies but either way I'm sick of scratching myself to rawness and slathering myself in moisturizer by turns.
FML.
Not feeling too great about myself right now.
Luckily or perhaps not so much I can do heavy load "crunch days" today, tomorrow and Saturday, and even most of Sunday if necessary. The only problem then would be where to direct that time because I'm at a loss for ideas right now. Crisis point.
If I make it past this it's one down, five to go. I am so close to the end, it's just ear enough to taunt me.
At least I filled my prescription and I think I'll finally be rid of the furious looking red scratchy rashes that have infected my forearms and thighs lately, whenever they've been exposed to the air. It's either heat rash or pollen allergies but either way I'm sick of scratching myself to rawness and slathering myself in moisturizer by turns.
FML.
Glad to see this project is starting to come along, finally, given that it's due in a stress-inducing week. Prioritizing and scheduling are ongoing learning curve skills, for me. Also glad to note that the Ritalin appears to be taking effect -- pretty dramatically. I still have to rally my self-control, naturally, and I still have to restrain myself from pacing, or opening tabs, or switching between articles in the middle of a sentence.
But if I try to do it, it usually works.
Follow up with the neurologist should be interesting. I've been wanting to avoid using words like "anxiety" or "agoraphobia" but it appears there's no way around it. Once again I'm thwarted by the lamentable fact that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Maybe next time it'll work?
If I manage my deadlines, and get my Pilates schedule back on track, and remember to eat meals... and if, and if, and if... by the end of August I'll have a degree. And I refuse to rack my brain over employment until after I've done that. I have no time to be anxious about resumes and job prospects, not until I've wrapped this degree up.
Why is everything so difficult?
At least I can say I'm making progress, even if it doesn't always look like it.
But if I try to do it, it usually works.
Follow up with the neurologist should be interesting. I've been wanting to avoid using words like "anxiety" or "agoraphobia" but it appears there's no way around it. Once again I'm thwarted by the lamentable fact that ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Maybe next time it'll work?
If I manage my deadlines, and get my Pilates schedule back on track, and remember to eat meals... and if, and if, and if... by the end of August I'll have a degree. And I refuse to rack my brain over employment until after I've done that. I have no time to be anxious about resumes and job prospects, not until I've wrapped this degree up.
Why is everything so difficult?
At least I can say I'm making progress, even if it doesn't always look like it.
A bad kmeme fill and a trip down memory lane have reminded me of how disappointed I am with contemporary dystopian fiction. I remember reading incisive satirical novels based on deep political insights and exhaustive historical research. Now almost everything I see seems based on the premise of "heteronormative generically pretty teens valiantly struggle against the evils of a society in which LAHV is FAHBIDAHN by slobbering all over each other."
Children are insolent and everyone is writing a (shitty) book. I need help.
Children are insolent and everyone is writing a (shitty) book. I need help.
It's fucking June now, are you getting this? How is it fucking June?
I keep having to send e-mails and talk to people and just generally communicate like an adult.
And there's no magic bullet, which I knew, but was trying not to think about.
Ugh, whatever. For better or worse it will all be over soon. Past a certain point, the petty things stop mattering and you need to just brush them out of your mind. I just wish that wasn't so hard to remember.
I keep having to send e-mails and talk to people and just generally communicate like an adult.
And there's no magic bullet, which I knew, but was trying not to think about.
Ugh, whatever. For better or worse it will all be over soon. Past a certain point, the petty things stop mattering and you need to just brush them out of your mind. I just wish that wasn't so hard to remember.
(no subject)
May. 29th, 2013 05:58 pmI want to write a post about The Rite of Spring but I am far, far too tired.
This post may or may not be a placeholder.
This post may or may not be a placeholder.
Excellent Timing
May. 28th, 2013 06:21 pmTao small, happy-making things, both to do with excellent timing:
First: The radio very thoughtfully concluded the song it was playing (Clapton, "Let It Grow") just as I was finished parking the car. YES I DRIVE NOW. It's a thing.
Second: As I walked in the door and glanced into the bathroom I noticed that the washer's delayed cycle was a minute from ending.
Three cheers for excellent timing.
First: The radio very thoughtfully concluded the song it was playing (Clapton, "Let It Grow") just as I was finished parking the car. YES I DRIVE NOW. It's a thing.
Second: As I walked in the door and glanced into the bathroom I noticed that the washer's delayed cycle was a minute from ending.
Three cheers for excellent timing.
Things Accomplished While on a Cold
May. 27th, 2013 12:20 pmToday I skipped a morning class to try and sleep in and wear off some of the cold I developed late yesterday. Dragging myself out of bed was hard. But, I did all the morning things and then I went to get lozenges and a few other basic chores. I didn't fill my prescription because I cleverly forgot it at home, but I have a new plan for picking it up tomorrow.
I also stripped the bed and put the linen in the laundry but only time will tell if I'll be able to move myself to remake it. Maybe I'll nap on the couch.
For a sick day that's not too bad. Of course I'm still feeling a little guilty for not working on my schoolwork, and also retroactively for the sick week I took off months ago. Brains, man.
I also stripped the bed and put the linen in the laundry but only time will tell if I'll be able to move myself to remake it. Maybe I'll nap on the couch.
For a sick day that's not too bad. Of course I'm still feeling a little guilty for not working on my schoolwork, and also retroactively for the sick week I took off months ago. Brains, man.
The AO3 meetup was fantastic, although I brought sunscreen and neglected to use it. Consequently I'm a little extra-crispy all over the parts of my arms and shoulders that aren't often exposed. Not my brightest moment, other than the shade of pink, which is indeed quite bright.
(no subject)
May. 24th, 2013 08:29 amWell, I'm off to the second AO3 gathering. Hope I don't get lost.
(no subject)
May. 21st, 2013 11:45 amI finished and handed in my homework, threw out a bunch of paper garbage, put order in some of my vital documents (mainly medical), synched my date book and filled it with scheduling deadlines... cleared two inboxes... I even exfoliated and moisturized my hands.
Feeling pretty good about myself right this second. Especially as I have more than an hour before I have to leave for class. Let's see if I can manage to hold onto this feeling for some or most or all of the day.
Feeling pretty good about myself right this second. Especially as I have more than an hour before I have to leave for class. Let's see if I can manage to hold onto this feeling for some or most or all of the day.
