Hello, December
Friday, 5 December 2014 12:22![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lea_hazelHello, weekend.
The problem with life is, that everything happens at the same time. I am not very good at that, as it stands. This weekend is a weekend for getting things a little bit back on course. That means pushing a little harder than usual. Make things neat, and organized, not just clean. Throw out what's unnecessary. Make a food plan instead of just buying groceries and hoping for the best.
Today we talked about self-esteem.
I told my sister not too long ago, in the middle of the dropping-out-of-uni saga, that I don't have a self-esteem problem. I still basically think this is true. It's just hard to convey, when I'm talking honestly about all that's going through my head, just how hard I worked and how much I have achieved. Yes, it comes up constantly. Yes, I know my self-image fluctuates. It's a trend line, not a scatter plot, and it's trending steadily up (has been, for almost a decade now).
I can do things that I didn't used to be able to do. Not just in terms of being bad at things, but also being good at something and still not producing my best work. And in terms of not constantly, constantly improving. It's hard to explain how significant this is. Sure, I have thoughts about worthlessness -- pretty much always. I think a lot of things and not all of them important.
I'm doing a lot better but I know that I'm still ill. I'm doing well. Flat out. But I don't think I'll ever not be ill. If I can draw from my experiences with the arthritis and apply them here, then I will always be ill and I don't need to let it bother me. If I've been there and done that and I have a caseful of tools to help me deal with it, why should it bother me?
IDK. Self-image is complicated.
The problem with life is, that everything happens at the same time. I am not very good at that, as it stands. This weekend is a weekend for getting things a little bit back on course. That means pushing a little harder than usual. Make things neat, and organized, not just clean. Throw out what's unnecessary. Make a food plan instead of just buying groceries and hoping for the best.
Today we talked about self-esteem.
I told my sister not too long ago, in the middle of the dropping-out-of-uni saga, that I don't have a self-esteem problem. I still basically think this is true. It's just hard to convey, when I'm talking honestly about all that's going through my head, just how hard I worked and how much I have achieved. Yes, it comes up constantly. Yes, I know my self-image fluctuates. It's a trend line, not a scatter plot, and it's trending steadily up (has been, for almost a decade now).
I can do things that I didn't used to be able to do. Not just in terms of being bad at things, but also being good at something and still not producing my best work. And in terms of not constantly, constantly improving. It's hard to explain how significant this is. Sure, I have thoughts about worthlessness -- pretty much always. I think a lot of things and not all of them important.
I'm doing a lot better but I know that I'm still ill. I'm doing well. Flat out. But I don't think I'll ever not be ill. If I can draw from my experiences with the arthritis and apply them here, then I will always be ill and I don't need to let it bother me. If I've been there and done that and I have a caseful of tools to help me deal with it, why should it bother me?
IDK. Self-image is complicated.
