Today is a day of shame.

Today was incredibly hot, oppressive and awful in a way that made everything terrible. I woke late and left the house late and had no appetite for breakfast. The train/bus were completely awful. Circumstances led to me making a bunch of incredibly foolish mistakes in a row, of which I'm supremely ashamed. Right now the only thing keeping me from being useless due to that shame, is clinging to the idea that circumstances outside my control contributed to my inability to process the situation in a normal, rational, grown-up way.

But I still have all this fucking shame from just. Not being able to cope with this summer. At all. I'm not coping with this semester, I'm not coping with the season, I'm not coping with my lack of attention span and constant fucking anxiety. Just when I think I've gotten a grip on things, and most things are sort of kind of okay for a while, something tips me off balance. The last two days have been fucking. Like. I cannot even. Here's hoping that sitting in a dark cool room for an hour will help me get a grip on the rest of the afternoon/evening. I can't see another day go to fucking waste, I will just sit down and cry.

The process between making a decision to do something, and actually making that something happen: how do you do it?