Laughter Through Tears

Back Trouble

Tue, 04 Oct 2022 08:12:21 GMT

I spent most of September fighting back and shoulder pain which turned out to be related to switching from one handbag to a spare that I had buried in my closet.

On Sunday, I finally went to massage therapy for it (something that I'd been planning to do for years, but kept putting off). The masseuse did warn me that my back would be in pain for a day or so, but I don't think I fully grasped what she meant. 48 hours later, I'm mostly better, but those two days were filled with heat pads, NSAIDs, showers with very low water pressure, gentle stretches, and lying in bed watching old episodes of Bones on my laptop.

I won't do a full day's work today (out of an abundance of caution) but I am sitting at my computer and so far, I'm cautiously optimistic.

She did also make the point that I can/should make some ergonomic changes to my workstation. After Yom Kippur, I'll call the handyman and ask if he can rig me something for my desk, to let me perch my screen a little higher. And my mother recommended a footstool, back in the day.

I am provisionally open to ergonomic back-related advice for computer-working people.

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Dreamer's Disease

Fri, 26 Aug 2022 05:17:37 GMT

Yesterday was a low point for me and I didn't get enough sleep...

...but I also jumped a milestone in my quest for lucid dreaming.

So, win some, lose some, huh?

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Yes, I know I've been absent.

Mon, 22 Aug 2022 12:09:18 GMT

I would like to state for the record that while I can write 3K words in five hours, I don't fucking recommend it.

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A long (but productive) day

Tue, 27 Apr 2021 16:18:39 GMT

Today was a long day. Good, but long, and very tiring.

I went out to pick up a coffee in the morning and that (and my bad memory) ended up making me late for my ERG appointment. The ERG is an annoying and slightly gross eye exam that I get for side effect reasons, about once a year. And it requires eye drops, so when I got out of the test I could barely see and sunlight bothered me even more than normal. Yeah, it wasn't quite cloudy enough for my taste.

I made my way back home and managed to get some rest and some lunch -- and to wait out my pupil dilation. Once I was sufficiently rested, I headed out to one of the university libraries. They're operating on a program where you book seats in advance so that they can make sure they don't go over the legal limit for how many people can "congregate" in a closed space. And they assign desks to make sure social distancing is in effect.

Being outside all day is still super weird and a little anxiety-inducing. But I had the option to work somewhere outside of home, and I snatched it up. I might be able to book another afternoon this week, I hope, because I was *so* productive.

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Fri, 23 Apr 2021 21:34:42 GMT

My hands and wrists are now giving me enough trouble that I talked to my rheumatologist about it. It's probably an RSI. I need to dramatically reduce my keyboard/mouse usage for a while. And just generally find non-digital sources of entertainment.

Yes, I'm going to be looking into speech-to-text, too.

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Health Chronicle

Tue, 30 Mar 2021 07:29:16 GMT

This morning I had to reset the password on my migraine app, which tracks my sleep patterns. When I ran a search on Gmail (so that I could tag all the notifications and not lose them), I discovered that back in 2015, I emailed myself a bunch of "migraine logs". This was back at my old, bad job -- when the headaches first started getting really bad.

I'm both more and less smart than I thought. I started tracking them back then, but then stopped and didn't start again until 2019. And what's more, I only recently started doing it in one, consistent place -- as opposed to spreading it around wherever I write about my day, which is at least three or four different places, now.

I don't know why Grammarly insists that this entry sounds "friendly, optimistic and confident".

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Flu.

Mon, 06 Jan 2020 17:31:59 GMT

I went to the doctor yesterday and got some meds. And I'm going to my regular doctor tomorrow, to hand her the documents from the other doctor, and... get some more meds?

It's apparently the flu, which is an uncomfortable balance of "it's not that bad" and "but it could get a lot worse so be vigilant" and "but also there's not a lot you can do". There's... not a lot I can do other than drinking tea and trying to breathe properly. And keeping an eye on my fever to make sure I don't develop any complications.

I'm not working but I pass the time by watching TV, writing fanfic, and reading shitty romance games on my phone.

I have no idea when I'll feel better, and thus no idea when I'll be able to get back to writing, but at least I'm not gainfully employed which means I'm not feeling the pressure to go back out into the rain, and I don't need a doctor's note to stay home until I'm well again.

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WorldCon 77

Sun, 11 Aug 2019 08:33:54 GMT

WorldCon is in three days and I'm running out of time. Our flight is Tuesday night (to give me especially time to recover before the event itself) and I feel like all the time between now and then is going to be dedicated to travel arrangements. We already managed to screw up the flights (twice, don't ask) so that we'll miss most of Monday's events. Which is a shame, but I keep reminding myself that it's outweighed by all the cool things and people we'll get to do and see.

Given my mortal terror of being late to thinks, I've already had two separate nightmares where I managed to sleep through or otherwise miss all the events I wanted to see. They have about the same tenor as the dream where you suddenly discover at the end of the semester that you have an exam due for a class that you don't remember signing up for. I get those, too, pretty regularly. In the daytime I manage my stress more or less okay, mostly by keeping busy or distracting myself, but the unconscious mind is a terrible thing.

We have two flights with a layover so I'm gonna land in Dublin bright and early and completely exhausted. Somebody please cut me open so I can get some fucking sleep.

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I broke a streak on technical reasons.

Sat, 03 Aug 2019 19:21:35 GMT

I try to maintain a streak of writing every day on 750words.com because it helps me keep track not just of work but also of my mood, and journaling in general helps. Sometimes I mark a few days as "days off" because I know I won't have time to journal or write, and it's technically possible to do this *during* the day itself. Which I have done before and it worked.

I did this yesterday late at night while playing a board game with family and it *failed* and I'm *mad as hell*. Which is DUMB and I'm also mad at MYSELF for even bothering to CARE this much about something which is objectively UNIMPORTANT.

Sometimes gamification creates problems, not just solves them.

Oh, it's also worth noting that I make a point of almost never doing work!writing on the weekends, at least on Saturdays. This is to help me unwind and try to do it guilt-free. It's also because I'm unlikely to get work done regardless on Saturday, so my options are do nothing and chill, or do nothing and feel irrationally guilty. Normally I feel my daily words for the weekend with fic snippets, or mood journaling, or planning for the week.

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New Phone

Tue, 16 Jul 2019 09:32:39 GMT

Last night on my way home from my mother's house my phone crapped out on me abruptly. I headed out first thing this morning to see if it could be fixed. Feeling like a chunk of my brain was missing, naturally. Fast forward about three or four hours, now I have a new phone and I have to charge it, update its system, reinstall all my apps (which means it's time for spring cleaning), and of course check the status of all of my backups.

A good opportunity to figure out/remember which apps I linked to the cloud and which I didn't. At least I know for sure that I didn't lose anything critical.

I had even very nearly forgotten my Gmail password, and had to rush home by foot to check my backups. It was extremely irritating. At least the new device has an upgraded memory and I can shove all my apps and games and things on it.

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Wed, 03 Apr 2019 16:47:48 GMT

Sooo I should do a life update? But the really important stuff is stuff that I can't talk about right now? Maybe I should wait. Maybe right now all you need to know is that I'm alive and my bedroom ceiling is leaking.

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March 2019

Sun, 03 Mar 2019 10:11:56 GMT

January and February were both pretty messed up for different reasons. I was hoping to close February on a positive note but that did not turn out well. I have higher hopes for March, albeit tentative. I want to try and put shit back together, and hold onto things, if only by my fingernails. I have a long-term plan, although executing it is difficult, especially when I find myself constantly mired in keeping up with the details of day to day life.

I'm working from home today due to complicated circumstances. It has its upsides, for sure.

Nothing is on fire and I have made a little progress on both writing and work. I really can't ask for much more, at this point.

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Not!Life Update

Tue, 05 Feb 2019 05:01:24 GMT

Right now I have the kind of cold that makes everything seem terrible, and like it has always been terrible and always will be terrible. So it's not a good time to ask me about things in general. I am tired and worn down and I have work deadlines and other pressures. I have not touched my game since early December.

The only state in which I'm really comfortable right now is that ephemeral state between sleep and wakefulness that happens when you wake up, but don't have to get out of bed or go back to sleep. And I of course am not getting very much of that right now. When I do, it makes me late for work and then I have to play catch-up with my hours.

I uninstalled Facebook and Twitter from my phone in the hopes of increasing my productivity and maybe doing some light reading in my down time. Instead I'm just out of touch with everyone and I can't remember the last time I finished a book. I have not done my daily pages in two weeks, and every time my phone alarm rings I fight the urge to dash it against the wall.

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Life Update

Tue, 15 Jan 2019 20:27:37 GMT

I've got a couple more days of antibiotics for my busted thumb, and it's supposed to maybe snow tomorrow in Jerusalem.

Other than that, I'm working too much and not writing enough, and everything's more or less the same.

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That end of year feeling...

Sun, 30 Dec 2018 19:01:06 GMT

I wanted to write tonight, to see if I could squeeze a few hundred more words into the last month of the year, to make the word counts look a little prettier. Not sure that's in the cards, though. I'm pretty worn out. Last night a back pain kept me up, and it took a while before I remembered that, uh, I can take something for that. It cost me some rest. And tomorrow I have to make up some time at work. I may get home too exhausted to write then, too.

I will definitely be too tired to celebrate, so I've preemptively given up on that, too.

And navigating the rain and cold is drawing off some of my excess energy, too. The rain is good for us, but it still makes my life just a bit more of a pain in the ass.

I will try to do an end of year post tomorrow, at the very least. I also have some Verity stories scattered that need to be pieced together. And then the next day is YT author reveals and I'll probably do a post about that. Even though I have not read much of the YT archive this year. Yet? Hopefully yet.

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Mon, 12 Nov 2018 18:45:04 GMT

Bonkers day at work. Scheduled the washing machine to finish its cycle at 7PM but got home too tired to do anything but (badly) reheat some leftovers and watch TV on the computer.

So many things I'm behind on, I can't.

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Mon, 29 Oct 2018 20:30:12 GMT

I fully intend to exploit the opportunity of the municipal elections to get some fucking writing done. I can feel parts of my brain atrophying. I need it.

And, I mean, vote. I'm gonna vote, too. I just don't have super high hopes for the municipal elections, because they're not 60% complete including code.

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Thu, 25 Oct 2018 17:06:15 GMT

For the last three weeks, I've told my Pilates instructors about my new job, and how crunched up I am from sitting in front of the computer all day, at every single lesson. Never used to say things like that.

I mean, it's clearly good for me, and all.

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yawn

Tue, 16 Oct 2018 17:51:57 GMT

Due to my "in bed by nine, asleep by ten" policy (which is failing, but nm) I have not yet mustered the time or energy to sign up for Yuletide. Boo.

But today/yesterday Aly (of Azalyne Studios) broke her silence and published a couple of crunchy posts on her Tumblr. I've queued a bunch of responses and I'm having Thoughts.

God, I want week seven so bad. But it's legit much better for me in general if it dawdles for at least another month, to give me time to adjust to my work schedule and stuff.

And maybe, heaven forbid, get my sleep schedule under control.

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Adjustment period

Sat, 13 Oct 2018 18:23:50 GMT

I'm entering an adjustment period of unknown length with the new job. I am too tired to write, all the time. I had some hopes for the weekend but other priorities intruded. All I got around to is rereading some WIP stuff and posting a draft on the AO3.

Keeping up with chores and self-care is also work. And of course at the end of the day I only have about two hours of leisure time to myself in the evening, and by then I'm usually too exhausted for anything more challenging than TV.

I need to wash my hair, though.

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Tue, 09 Oct 2018 17:54:07 GMT

Was I this bad last time I started a new job? I hope not.

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Woo.

Sat, 06 Oct 2018 17:54:18 GMT

First day of the new job tomorrow.

Getting up super early. Should probably try to, you know, sleep? Soon-ish? I just wanted to be sure I would commemorate this occasion. I've been unemployed since January and it's been ups and downs. And I've been stressing about this job for a while. Everything's gonna be okay.

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On the face of it

Tue, 02 Oct 2018 16:41:48 GMT

On the face of it, September was not a good writing month. My word count spread sheet, which I am still diligently keeping for 2018, shows about 11K pure words written in September. The holidays were a huge drain on my mental resources, and despite my best intentions, most mid-week holiday days didn't get used as full writing days. Lots of days off were taken. Lots of naps were taken. But also, on a more optimistic note, I did a lot of background and outlining work. I did a lot of code work on Turncoat Chronicle, too.

In other fun news there was Icon 2018 which was mind-blowingly awesome, to be quite honest. And I got my first-ever fanart early in Sept. for TC, followed closely by the second. So that was a pretty amazing tick on my writer's checklist.

I start my new job on Sunday and I haven't (yet?) written a con wrap-up post.

I have a hell of a lot to do with what little is left of the week and I just got up an hour ago from a totally unnecessary nap. Seems like a perfect time to sink into an hour or two of Skyrim, for no particular reason.

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Sun, 17 Sep 2017 16:26:23 GMT

Today existed to remind me that (and why) I will most likely not be able to work a full time job again.

If I muster enough energy for dinner and a shower, it will be a minor miracle.

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Yuri Jam & Life Update

Fri, 08 Sep 2017 09:14:54 GMT

The first week of Yuri Game Jam went relatively well. It's hard to tell at this point how well things will proceed, but I have a team and a solid design and a solid story outline. The biggest challenge (though by no means the only one) will be my inexperience with managing other people. I'm not that great at timetables and such, so figuring out deadlines will have to be a collaborating effort. I expect things to get fairly chaotic at certain points, but I'm hopeful we'll manage through the mess.

I've posted multiple times to Tumblr about my new Discord channel and I'm also aiming to post updates to the jam forums. Might post to Lemma Soft too, if I find the energy to keep up with it all.

Health-wise things are going not great, and there's not much more I can add about that.

Things are work are okay but for various reasons my direct supervisor right now is much more micro-managing than I'm used to.

There's a lot going on but I don't really have the wherewithal to analyze it all.

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