lea_hazel: A frowning white theater mask (Feel: Sad Face :()
Emotional rollercoaster! Wheeeee!
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
It's been ages since I wrote for DW and I want to write a post. The problem is a lot has happened and also nothing has happened at all, so I'm drawing a blank on what to write.

I do work. I think I am going to do well at this job, although maybe it's soon to tell. And I fuck up at looking for an apartment, because that's the type of adulting I mess up and then get anxious about, which causes me to mess up more. And I have decided not to think about discrete mathematics until I have a little more time on my hands and a little space to breathe.

I've been exploiting my tablet and my Kobo app to glom books. I'd like to read three books a month this year, that's my stated goal. So I have given myself permission to read the books I'm reading, instead of getting stuck on "reading" books I never pick up (sorry, China Mieville).

Right now I'm reading the third October Daye book. Despite the background presence of an "adversarial" manly lust-interest who ticks me off by virtue of existing, I find I quite like it. Something about the atmosphere or the texture of the book satisfies some deeply-held need I've had for urban fantasy, in a way that's usually been thwarted before.

I'd like to write but when I get home I'm too tired for even low-rent porn.

(no subject)

Sunday, 23 March 2014 20:56
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Me at work: When I get home this evening I'm going to do so many Things!
Me at home: Welp, time to change into my PJs and flop down on the couch to watch some mediocre TV.

Lazy Day

Monday, 20 January 2014 17:43
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Today I allowed myself to be lazy and spent the whole day huddling in a mass of blankets with my tablet. I was just so cold and so tired, for no reason that I can tell. At noonish I dragged myself outside and then cooked lunch. Usually forcing activity lessens the inexplicable malaise. Right now I'm trying to kick myself into some writing or creative work of some sort. Rereading my own stuff helps sometimes.

I've disrupted my own rhythms, I suppose. It's scary how easily I can fall out of the habit of writing (or editing, or whatnot). It makes me wonder if I'll ever cultivate the skill-set necessary for a freelance writer.

Lazy Day

Sunday, 1 December 2013 19:24
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Health: Sleep)
Today I was a useless jackass all day. I didn't even do much reading. It was nice and I figure I can stand to lose one day, but it also means that I have to do some writing this evening. I'm just going to have to force motivation somehow.

Heaven knows I have plenty of crunchy projects to keep me busy.

Moving On

Friday, 9 August 2013 12:55
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
This week was hard. I keep telling myself that I'm looking forward and not dwelling on the past, and that keeping busy and setting goals will motivate me, but it's often hard to summon the motivation to be active. Especially when it's so easy to let my mind drift over whatever subject it happens to encounter on the internet, obsess over it for a few hours, and then drop it. Which is the opposite of productivity.

Even gaming is practically productive at some point.

But yes, I did set goals. I am intending to learn Python and even if it's not resume-level I think it will be good for me to work at something that has actual success possibilities. Although I am also concerned about the practicality of my work skills, which have advanced not at all over the past four years. Without a degree, two classes in MATLAB hardly look CV-worthy.

I sent out a couple of feelers for jobs I'm suited to. Until I get a phonecall or email there's not much else I can do except try not to worry.


Saturday, 3 August 2013 09:28
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Yesterday I sulked.

Today I'm resting.

Tomorrow I have to start getting my life in order.

But I don't have to think about that right now. Right now, I can spend my time drinking too much coffee and playing video games.

I think I will start by completing my mage playthrough of DA2.


Monday, 29 April 2013 16:58
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I've been driving, and working, and writing, and having uncomfortable conversations with the therapist. I don't really have the energy to scrutinize things but I want to post something, so have some Skunk Anasie:


Saturday, 6 April 2013 09:53
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
When I started reintroducing coffee into my routine, after the worst of the insomnia was over, I made myself a rule that I wouldn't let coffee fade into the background of my existence. No, every time I drank coffee, I wouldn't let myself get distracted from how it smells and tastes, and how nice it is.

This is more difficult than I expected. "Morning routine" might be some of what makes my life slip away from me, when nice times just sort of slip between my fingers and only icky times last forever.
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
I may have impulse-bought a pair of boots. In my defense they were on sale and they fit over my calves because they have a strip of elastic all down one side. And they are fabulous. And I haven't had a fabulous pair of black boots since my last pair (bought when I was ~22) stopped zipping on me. I hardly got to wear them.

Now I just need someone to show them off to, since I already have half a dozen pairs of cute knee socks. Hum. Anybody want to be my date for a night of boot-related vanity?


Sunday, 23 December 2012 19:22
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I'm gonna make that Glitch post, soon, it's just... today somehow took a turn for the worse at the last possible minute.
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I made a hairdresser appointment at 9:30 but it's storming out and my muscles are badly cramped from Pilates. My bed is so nice and warm. Wah. Oh shoot, I left the laundry in the machine and forgot to put it in the dryer. I guess I am getting out of bed regardless. Maybe I'll accept my bitter fate.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I have a cough and a pounding goddamn headache and homework and a fanfic with terrible tense changes. But I ate food and watched TV and wrote. The last two days were the worst and I don't want to think. Also my grandmother is dying and I don't want to talk about it.

Party Plan

Saturday, 25 August 2012 12:58
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
13:00-14:00 Write

14:00-17:00 Play DA2

17:00 Lunch

17:30-19:00 Cleaning

19:00 Wash hair

21:00 Start cooking

22:00 Everyone starts showing up

Optimism, yo.
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
Tonight I invited friends over for what was supposed to be a dinner party, but I failed to reinforce the invitation enough, so only one (very close, very cool) friend showed up. We had an awesome night, she drank tea and I drank wine. I put away the food and consulted with her on pushing the dinner forward and reinviting everyone for the middle of the week.

We talked about a bunch of different things and she gave me interior design advice. The layout of my living room was all wrong and now I feel a lot better about it. I also showed her this picture of my custom Hawke and she said she "had potential" when I asked if she was hot. :D It was awesome to talk about so many things and I miss her a lot when we don't talk to each other a lot.

Really I have no excuses and I'm going to be more social for the rest of the summer.

I feel pretty good.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
This week has been weird.

I just... don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Am I panicking? Am I anxious? Am I complacent? Am I having a breakdown? Am I physically ill? Have I got my shit together? Am I turning my life around? Am I giving up too easily? Am I clinging to something obsolete and worthless? Is my life moving forward, straying or stagnating?

I wish I could take a magical certainty pill. I guess that's the attraction of games. They give you limited options so you basically always know what you should be doing.

The guy I had to talk to today just couldn't figure out why I spent forty five minutes talking about classes and exams when he asked me about my life. He also couldn't seem to grasp why I was so concerned with my financial future. I guess he was expecting something along the lines of 'This is my plan for having a penis inside of me and later also babies' or something along those lines.

School. Work. Making something of my life. Achieving something tangible. Securing my future. These are not odd goals for a woman of almost twenty eight.

Sleep Eludes

Saturday, 7 July 2012 15:12
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Sleep less than four hours a night. Take an afternoon nap. Wake up, research insomnia, stumble on an idea that makes you want to turn your disordered sleep into an urban fantasy plot.

My last bout of insomnia this bad and this persistent was almost exactly a decade ago.

(no subject)

Wednesday, 4 July 2012 17:28
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I'm wondering if the fact that my brain is a mess lately, and the fact that I feel like I'm finally making progress, might be connected to each other.


Monday, 2 July 2012 23:08
lea_hazel: Kermit: OMG YAY *flail* (Feel: OMGYAY)
I just want to note that tonight at the LGBT center I won my first game of Munchkin. \o/

Yesterday's test went not too great. I had to answer six questions and I think I answered five, one of them utter nonsense. Hoping for an 80 seems absurd. One awful thing about this test: we had no exercises to hand in during the semester, no quizzes, and there were no practice questions for us to solve before the exam. Not ideal conditions, to say the least. Makes it hard to gap the bridge between what you know and what the lecturer is asking.

My next exam is in a week plus, and it's a lot less pressure. After that, though, all bets are off. Three hard exams in a short time period, one of which I will almost certainly need to take twice. D: For now, though, I'm decompressing.


lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)

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