lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
I am very glad that I managed, somewhere along the way, to master the skill of not jumping down the throat of a new creative idea as soon as it occurs to me. Instead, I let it sit for a while and try to figure out if it's really as shiny and exciting as it first seemed, especially in relation to how much of an effort it's going to require.

So I sat on the portal fantasy idea for a while. I'm glad I did. It seemed at first to be a wonderfully flexible idea that would allow me to combine concept from secondary world fantasy with some of what you get when you write urban/contemporary/masquerade fantasy. With the benefit of a little breathing space, though, I'm not sure that I could maintain interest in it for long enough to make the project worthwhile.

Right now my writing goals plate is pretty full, and I have work and school on top of that, plus all the ordinary stuff of living. And I have a list of deadlines to which I can aspire, which will push me to create new original material. I'm on track. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Progress

Friday, 15 April 2016 13:02
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Like most forms of progress for me, this one involved a lot of forgiving myself for things that are not actually crimes/sins.

I am still working on half a dozen projects in parallel. I am still behind on my personal writing missions (i.e. update my Patreon rewards to something more reasonable, queue one blog post per week, editing milestones, etc.). I am still stretched thin between work, school and my writing schedule.

I have, however, collected a few tangible reassurances regarding the basic fact of what I owe and to whom.

Some medical issues have also made themselves apparent, but right now only at the testing stage.

My running projects, for the record, include two Twine games (one more gamey and the other more storyish), three short stories in Hebrew, one short story in English and a blog post. Oh, and the card game I've been trying to play-test for something like six weeks. Which I will probably bring to Olamot later this month, for those to whom it's relevant. And I've started dabbling with ChoiceScript, which is like Twine but more viable.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Last night was sort of the pits of the funk I've been in lately. I talked it out with someone and I feel a little more optimistic. It's the feeling of being trapped into a course of action that gets me down more than anything else. fortunately with enough forethought and creativity I can usually come up with an alternative. And so that's what I'm trying to do now.

Yesterday was also the deadline for Strange Horizons' special queer issue. To which I did not submit a story, as a cause and consequence of the funk I mentioned. I did write yesterday, though, and something I am fairly pleased with. And this morning I drafted my next blog post, the one about writing disability that I've been mulling over for so long. I dread the possibility that it will expand into a series of posts.

Now I have a short break in the workshop which hopefully will allow me to catch my breath a little. And there's Olamot over Passover which is OMG! SO SOON!
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Basic: Science)
Officially signed up for linear algebra next semester. Starting early March.

Not sure what I'll do in the summer "semester" (intro to logic?) but next year is infy. Which I am so looking forward to.

I'm not saying I'm not scared, but so far it doesn't look like I'm going to fail discrete. So it's possible it won't be a disaster?
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
There are people who are fucked up and people who are basically normal, functional, whatever. People who've got their shit together. Then there are people who are basically pretty fucked up but are trying to unfuck themselves, and that's a process that can last indefinitely. Some people spend their whole lives trying to unfuck themselves, and that's okay.

Between two basically normal people, relationships are simple. Not that there aren't difficulties or that they can't go wrong, or that they are always good, successful relationships. But the normalness is measured not in lack of problems but in the ability to problem-solve without setting yourself or your immediate surroundings on fire.

Read more... )

Or I'm full of shit. That's also a distinct possibility.

Day Log

Saturday, 21 February 2015 19:20
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Today I spent a lot of time reading in bed, replied to some comments on fic, posted/crossposted some fic, wiped down part of the kitchen counter, swept the living room floor, and wrote my words.

I also watched the first episode(s) of The Librarians, which a friend billed to me as "American Dr. Who, except with less of the stuff you hate (and I love)." That seems mostly accurate. Noah Wyle is aggressively channeling Matt Smith, which I'm okay with. Eccentric white dudes still take front and center, and they have that male-genius-female-caretaker act going on. But then again, they name it explicitly way at the start, which is interesting to me.

One of the fics I posted is one that I wrote over months and angsted over a lot. Also, it will probably be my last Dragon Age fic, at least for a while. Maybe a long while. The fandom cycle continues, but at least the disenchantment didn't culminate in a total disappearing act. In better fandom news, [community profile] purimgifts is going pretty well, if not as prompt and early as I'd've liked.

Some of that dust from sweeping got down my throat. Just means I need to sweep more diligently and not allow it to build up like that.
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Hello, weekend.

The problem with life is, that everything happens at the same time. I am not very good at that, as it stands. This weekend is a weekend for getting things a little bit back on course. That means pushing a little harder than usual. Make things neat, and organized, not just clean. Throw out what's unnecessary. Make a food plan instead of just buying groceries and hoping for the best.

Today we talked about self-esteem.

Read more... )

IDK. Self-image is complicated.
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
I feel like my life might be moving in some sort of direction. Not that I've yet determined which direction, but small mercies.

Lost in Life

Saturday, 22 November 2014 20:13
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Things I accomplished today: zero.

Okay, that's a lie. I swept the floors and did a whole bunch of house chores. There was a lot of dust. Disquietingly much. Not really sure how to handle things like dust accumulating on top of the closet. I still need to make the bed, preferably now and not at eleven thirty when I just want to fall into bed and sink into sleep.

Work has kind of eaten all my energies. My preoccupation revolves around getting house chores done, motivating myself to get to work early (so that I don't have to leave very late), keeping up with work and not getting bored... A little free time goes to reading and writing. Mostly passive stuff, very little in terms of words on paper.

And I keep having to convince myself not to play the list-of-things-to-accomplish-on-the-weekend game. It only leads to playing five straight hours of Skyrim and then feeling guilty as hell. I work, I need rest, that's totally reasonable.

And somehow blogging stops being something that I do to help myself focus, and becomes another thing to manufacture artificial guilt for. Most of my writing energy, I suppose, goes into my daily pages at 750words.com. Those have been pretty consistently helpful.

I am still afraid that I don't know how to live.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
The everlasting dilemma.

Part of the "getting my shit together" plan was to stop putting off looking at the course material for discrete mathematics which, I remind you, I am taking for the second time because I conked out last spring. And discovering that the due date for the first two tasks has passed. And that I don't remember my password. And that the computer assignment system won't let me save drafts.

But I read aloud from the book, which helps a lot because thinking out loud works for me even if it drives everyone else batshit. And I solved five out of eleven questions, when the assignment is due on the fourteenth. Not too shabby.

The next step of the plan is to cook lunch. Because eating. And because having cooked food in the house when I get home at sevenish and my brain is fried. And because mashed sweet potatoes. Might skip the gioger and try some cumin this time. I feel like doing something a little bit different.

I worry about money and being on time and having decent-looking clothes. And I worry about over-extending myself and losing sight of priorities. And I worry that I don't know what my priorities are (and never will). It seems a no brainer that uni > writing because deadlines, and grades, and qualifications. I need this degree if I'm going to have any kind of career stability. 2/3 at least of the jobs I'm qualified for won't even look at resumes unless you have a CS BSc or equivalent.

But writing > everything but health is also a no-brainer. Because writing.

At least I know (finally!) that health always > everything else. Took me a while to master that one.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
I got back home from Jerusalem much later than I had planned because my parents had a cool houseguest. Consequently the morning was a lost cause but I dedicated much of the afternoon to sweeping and mopping the whole apartment. This is my least favorite house chore, both because it always leaves me tired, sweaty and gross-feeling, and because the apartment gets really nasty if I don't do it often enough. But I'm starting my first week at the new job with a clean floor and fresh linen, which seems auspicious.

Of course as a consequence of not waking up at my own place, and then later the mad rush of neatening and cleaning, I forgot to each a sensibly timed lunch. Now I'm going through a whole progress of figuring out what I can eat and where it can be acquired. I really wish I'd had the good sense to get more supplies for winter-style cooking. Not that I'd break open a bag of red lentils or pearl barley right now. But sooner or later I need to adjust to having foodable foods at home, and for the winter that's really the best stuff.

I wanted to do writing today but probably I will only do TV: How to Get Away with Murder, Haven, and probably/maybe The Flash.

:/

Tuesday, 26 August 2014 20:21
lea_hazel: The Little Mermaid (Default)
I don't want to keep packing because I'm tired, but if I don't pack I won't be going to Dragon*Con.

I mean. I will still go to Dragon*Con obviously. But I will have to change my plans substantially and it will add certain unnecessary complications. I think. Or maybe this way would actually be easier? I can't really tell anymore.

Bluh.

Anyway, I'm not all that exhausted that I can't go down to the pharmacy to buy a plastic bottle for my shampoo. Or cycle a laundry, or shower and wash my hair. It's only that sitting and staring at a screen out of inertia is lots easier.

"Viral syndrome"

Thursday, 14 August 2014 16:47
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Apparently that's what they call it when you're sick with some shit you can't do anything about except "fluids and rest". Ugh. I don't even want to go to a doctor because it's not of any use, except I probably have to because of sick leave. Bluh. I've only just gone to a doctor to pick up prescriptions on Tuesday. And I told myself, maybe I should ask her about the fatigue and the backache and all. But then I didn't.

Yesterday I had to go in because of some things that needed doing that no one else can do. Figures the only time I have actual work to do is when I can hardly get myself out of bed in the morning. I slept most of yesterday afternoon and slept until after ten this morning. I let my alarm go, because I thought I might wake up feeling better and go in, which would be simpler all in all. But instead I felt like crap? So I slept another four hours and then took a long hot shower.

And, uh, did a laundry or two and cleaned the kitchen counter. And now I'm cooking lunch/supper because I have food in the house that I'd meant to cook days if not weeks ago, but I've been awful instead. Even though I know having cooked food in the house makes my quality of life immeasurably higher. I even dropped in some fresh mushrooms, before they get limp like the carrots I had planned to cook with on, oh, Friday?

There was some other thing that I wanted to write before I went to check on my dinnerlunchmeal. Whatever. If it's important, it'll come to me later.

Onwards

Tuesday, 29 July 2014 18:17
lea_hazel: Don't make me look up from my book (Basic: Reading)
Contrary to my crappy mood of the last few days, right now I feel pretty great. I was upbeat and energetic when leaving work (a little agitated maybe) and when I got in I took a shower. Which is a fool-proof mood improver. I think it may be time to pick up the slack on some things I'd let slide (out of pure nonsensical angst).

It might be over-ambitious to want to write today. Elevating expectations beyond what is generally reasonable has been a downfall for me in the past. I do have to take care of some smaller/simpler/more urgent things - making sure I have scripts that aren't expired, and other end-of-month chores, plus replying to emails/messages and maybe a few other things that have slipped my mind.

This morning I tried doing my morning pages in Hebrew. It took 40 minutes - double the usual. I do not find this to be an encouraging sign.

Daily Words

Sunday, 20 July 2014 22:48
lea_hazel: Typewriter (Basic: Writing)
Things aren't hectic at work (ha!) and I have some extra time on my hands. I've been pouring some of that extra time into 750words.com. I'd heard about the site and the idea of "daily pages" more than once, but I guess I just thought finding the time to do it would be too much of a hassle. Actually, setting the time aside has been pretty good. I've been considering trying on a stricter morning routine, since morning is when I tend to lose a lot of minutes that add up into major time chunks.

I write a bit the same way as the journal entries here, except even less filtered. (I don't filter much here, but I obfuscate a bit.) Things being what they are, it's a convenient outlet for extraneous stress. Loud sudden noises and whatnot. This morning I strayed a bit and actually did some on-paper outlining. Which naturally meant more progress than "brainstorming" mentally on the bus. Really I need to get over writing habits which I know don't work. I believe I am still one character short of a complete cast, but the plot is coalescing. Oooh, plot! *scary noises*

Between that and completing a few too-long-delayed chores, I feel pretty good. I'd still like to have a sofa so that I can stream shows on my desktop and watch them while flopped on something soft instead of sitting up. Sitting up is a sucker's game.
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
Today's siren caught me just as I was about to leave work.

I still have this vague feeling that maybe I'm not as anxious as I should be? But then I remember the random muscle cramps and the general lack of restfulness of my sleep.

New dr. sent me for blood tests which I have been putting off. Most of the same stuff I usually get tested for (perennial vitamin D and TSH) but without some of the inflammatory factors. So far I'm pretty pleased with new Dr. although it is a little soon to tell. I am also thinking about other health practitioners and whether I might want to seek them out.

My coping mechanism is refreshing the Flight Rising marketplace over and over, waiting for my smoke tert scroll to show up. And dwelling on things I did successfully. That one's a fun new addition.

Perception

Wednesday, 18 June 2014 19:48
lea_hazel: I am surrounded by tiny red hearts (Feel: Love)
Today I got home fairly early and in good cheer, after picking up my clean laundry on the way. At some point I glanced at the clock on my computer and became immediately suspicious. "It can't be that early, can it?"

The point is, I got some important shit down and I am feeling pretty good about myself. There's probably good productive things I could do now, but I think instead I'll dedicate my evening to a form of entertainment that's less passive than refreshing my Tumblr dash and waiting for something to happen. Not suite up to writing right now, although, perhaps, who knows, maybe later.

I need a better place to listen to music than YouTube.

Fortress

Sunday, 15 June 2014 21:53
lea_hazel: The outlook is somewhat dismal (Feel: Crash and Burn)
In my fortress, a lot of things that are normally very difficult and anxiety-inducing were suddenly easy and routine to the point of not disrupting my emotions at all.

That's why I call it a fortress. )

Anyway, I don't have a therapist to brag to, so you get to hear about it instead.

i r smrt

Saturday, 17 May 2014 17:19
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
A question standing before me now is: not should I pursue an open university education, but when I should pursue it. Spring semester discrete math is a wash. Even if I could catch up to the material ( I might do, with combinatorics) I doubt I'd be able to fulfil the hand-in assignment requirement.

I could sign up for the same course in the summer semester (early sign-up closes this week). I already have the material, after all. It's brick-sized altogether so why not put it to good use. I could sign up for another course, of which they have at my level just this, and linear algebra OH NOES. Or I could give myself a break and hold off until the fall semester.

Or I could forget about all this and go write some fanfic. Make a decision by way of letting the decision-making time window pass me by. It is my specialty, after all.

Nice Things

Sunday, 9 March 2014 20:57
lea_hazel: Neuron cell (Science: Brains)
Today was my second day at my new job. It's a good job with good prospects, and a good office with good people. While it's soon to tell, I have a good feeling about this arrangement lasting past the test period. The commute is long, but temporary. Once I feel more comfortable, I'll be starting to look for an apartment in the area(ish).

The weather turned on me. I wanted to maintain the illusion of wearing nice(r) clothes for a bit before I backslid into jeans and baggy tees, but I was geared for spring and all my longer, warmer clothes are either super-casual, extremely baggy, or both. Especially long-sleeved shirts. It's not terribly cold, but it is a bit rainy, which calls for a long-sleeved shirt under a raincoat. I have the latter, little short on the former. My sweatshirts are ridiculous.

It's an adjustment period. I predict a lot of writing fic on the bus.

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